by Claireducky

Ever feel like you would love a chance to petition the Amyrlin in real life?   Wanna know what to do about your cheatin’ no-good boyfriend?  Want to know the square root of 10,536,516? (Psst: It is 3,246)  Well, now is your chance!

Send in your questions, solicitations for advice, or pleas for mercy to:

daesdaemar@whitetower.org

With “Mother Ducker Says”  in the subject line.

You must send in your inquiry by the 15th of the month to be included in the edition released on the 21st.

As this is the first edition of Mother Ducker Says, I only have one question to be answered this month:

Dear Mother,

The world seems so unfair. My boyfriend for two years says my boobs aren’t big enough. But he likes them natural. Now he’s dumped me for a cow. No, I know what you’re thinking, “What a mean horrible lil girl, calling her rival a cow!” but you’re wrong. My boyfriend’s in love with a cow. Like steak, before it’s cooked. The ones that go “Moo”. A cow. Named Betsy.

Exactly.

I’m so confused. What should I do?

From,
Bovinely Devastated

Dear BD,

Getting ditched is always hard.  I think that in this situation the best option is revenge.  Track down this Betsy and ship her off to a dairy farm somewhere (preferably far, far away).  She’ll spend the rest of her days hooked up to a giant suck machine, and he’ll never be able to make the comment “Why buy the cow, when you get the milk for free?” again.  After you do this, I wouldn’t try to get back with him though…you never know what diseases animals have. ;)

Quackily Yours,

Mother Ducker