THE DARK ONE: DUE TO HIS DEDICATION AND TO THE FACT THAT HE HAS ACTED AS THE EDITOR OF THIS COLUMN FOR ABOUT TWO MONTHS, I HAVE NAMED ISHAMEL AS MY NAE’BLIS HERE ON THIS WEEKLY COLUMN. AS A SIGN OF HONOR, HIS NAME WILL BE MARKED IN RED. LET THE LORD OF CHAOS RULE.

Hey guys!
I was thinking about bonding my dog.  Can you do that? thanks! see ya

• Aginor REPLYING:
  Just a little history lesson: In the Age of Legends bonding was not possible, because no one made it up yet (call us old timers if you will), and today, we don’t have the time to play with it all that much…sure, we could figure out a way to bond you to your dog (you’d be out, walking that dog 24/7 in that case) if we really wanted to, but we are to busy refurnishing, so maybe in another age? Thank you very much and please do visit the pits… escort already provided *2 rather large dog-trollocs show up to escort you to your doom-pit*
• Aran’gar REPLYING:
  Yes, I can think about bonding your dog. It’s not a pleasant thought, however, even were it not impossible. I would suggest that next time, you try to find something little less furry.
• Ishamael REPLYING:
  No *balefires the daughter and the dog*
• Semi REPLYING:
  No you can’t bond your dog… what kind of sick question is that.
• Moghedien REPLYING:
  There is no need to bond the dog.  It is there naturally.
• Sammael REPLYING:
  Why would you want to bond a dog? Wouldn’t bonding one of those “Warders” work to the same advantage? Think about it, they laze about, drool all over you and cause massive headaches. Just get a Warder. At least they carry swords.
• Asmodean REPLYING: Man get a shorter name would you. And they call us evil, I fell asleep twice reading that name!

  *balefires the other sixteen moons*

  There, that’s much better.

• Lanfear REPLYING:
  Well, I don’t see why you couldn’t… but would it be worth it?  I mean, you have to think about what’s in it for you!  That’s what I always do. *nods*
• Mesaana REPLYING:
  That is possibly one of the stupid things I’ve ever heard.

can you explain the the diffrent ways to skin a cat. and can you teach me to walk on land. oh and can i have a grape sucker?

• Lanfear REPLYING:
  I just got back from the beach and I’m really not in the mood for any more seafood.  But maybe I could be persuaded with some oysters *wink*
• Aran’gar REPLYING:
  There’s only one way to skin a cat. People just get confused by the number of different tools that can be used to do it.
  If you want to walk on land, get some shoes. The little pebbles can be annoying.
  And I don’t think Aginor has created a grape-sucker yet; he’s having trouble catching the goat-sucker birds that he wanted to use as a base.
• Ishamael REPLYING:
  Clippers and a nice blade does the trick.  As for walking you’re on your own, and I’m all out of grape suckers
• Semi REPLYING:
  The time has come the walrus said to talk of many things, of shoes and ships and sealing wax and cabbages and kings, and why the sea is boiling hot and whether pigs have wings.

  *chuckles* Always beware the walrus.

• Moghedien REPLYING:
  I will not teach you to skin a cat. I like cats and skining one would displease me. If you can’t walk on land you have a problem too big to solve in this column. No grape sucker for you.
• Asmodean REPLYING:Well there are nine hundred and twenty four, no wait, nine hundred and twenty three different ways. All you need to do is swear your soul to the Great Lord and all of them will be revealed to you. As for walking on land, don’t bother. You are only fit to grovel at our feet anyway. If we wish for you to walk we will tell you when and how,… and where.
• Mesaana REPLYING:
  No, no and no.

I hate people.

Is there a way to rid put the scourge of society from my misery without retarded repercussions or sideffects?

• Moghedien REPLYING:
  I’m glad you hate people, for the most part so do I. If you join the shadow you will learn how to remove people without repercussions. It is a useful skill. Not for the faint hearted, but that does not sound like you.
• Lanfear REPLYING:
  Not as far as YOU would know, punk.
• Mesaana REPLYING:
  What a question… I like society. It can easily be bent towards my will by the proper education of the children. As for conversations with men, I’ve had plenty. They begin differently, but always end the same. “Oh please! No! Don’t!” That sort of thing. Its very obnoxious.
• Ishamael REPLYING:
  Move to Isle of Madmen. The Blight is nice this time of year too.

In the books it states that Ishmaael is the strongest of the chosen. He is closely followed by Lanfear. Then why when Rand blocks the gateway to go after Aviendha Asmodean states that he thought only Demandred of Semirhage could do that? Do these tow have some special kind of talent?

• Aran’gar REPLYING:
  Ishy is insane; he can’t focus long enough to tie his shoelaces, much less block open someone’s gateway. Lanfear… Well, we all know how Lanfear is. *smiles*
• Asmodean REPLYING:
  Well I told Lews Therin… I mean, Rand, that because Ishy was already dead, and I didn’t know then that he was brought back in his new body. You are also correct by the way. Both of the others have a talent for reading residues, which aids greatly in what Rand had done with the gateway that the little aiel chit had formed.
• Moghedien REPLYING:
  Well we know Ishy is insane and has some abilities. The other Chosen keep secret what they can do. I would not care to guess who else has the ability.
• Lanfear REPLYING:
  Pfffft.
• Mesaana REPLYING:
  *waves an ice pick in face* Ooooh…The little punk socialist has a question. Shouldn’t you be off preaching against the middle class or hiding in Mexico from Stalin or something, instead of bothering me with your idiot question that any fool with an ounce of common sense could solve? Stupidity like this is what got you exiled in the first place. Stupid Wobblies…
• Ishamael REPLYING:
  What do you mean I’m insane?? I’m just misunderstood.

I just want to say, the Nazgul could kill you all in a heartbeat! The One Power! paah! You’d all be better off taking evil classes from Sauron, you and that dark one of yours

• Moghedien REPLYING:
  Balderdash!
• Lanfear REPLYING:
  You’re right!  What HAVE we been thinking, lo these millenia?
• Mesaana REPLYING:
  Oh honey, I don’t TAKE lessons, I GIVE them. Why don’t you come on over here and I’ll teach you a few things.
• Ishamael REPLYING:
  *balefires Frodobean, Nazgul, and Sauron* Hurt like the Abyss didn’t it. Who’s your daddy!! BOOYAH!
• Mesaana REPLYING:
  Ooohhh! Ishy told you like a prom bytch! BOOYAH!

I don’t think you “chosen” are all powerful and all knowing. In fact, as a loyal Darkfriend to the Great Lord himself, I have been given a way to test who really is loyal among you….

If you are loyal, you can tell me what a lodestone is used for.

If you fail the test that the Great Lord has given me, your true intentions will be known, and all will know you are not working for our Master’s purposes. You will never be Nae’blis.

p.s. If you think I am faking, then you should have no problem putting me in my place by showing the world your infinite knowledge.

• Asmodean REPLYING:
  *Balefires Kritter*

  Honestly, what insolence! What makes you think I should have to answer your pitiful questions. The Great Lord of the Dark know’s quite well where my loyalties lie, thank you very much. Hey…where’d he go?

• Aran’gar REPLYING:
  I’d use it to beat arrogant Darkfriends over the head. Just a personal preferance. *smiles* By the way, could you step a bit closer? And perhaps lean down a bit?
• Moghedien REPLYING:
  I don’t put much stock in the rantings of a darkfriend and therefore will ignore your question.
• Lanfear REPLYING:
  Erm, I thought it was a piece of magnetite that has magnetic properties and attracts iron or steel… or someone who attracts strongly, like the Great Lord himself.
• Mesaana REPLYING:
  Lets experiment shall we? You eat these iron filings and I’ll move this lodestone around., and then you tell me what it does. Deal?
• Ishamael REPLYING:
  It’s a reference to a magnet. That is what they used to call it. Now hold still while I beat you with it. It’s actually a nice torture tool as well.