Date:1999-02-22 13:17:09
Name:The Amyrlin Seat
Subject:Something I wrote…

Once upon a time there was a really nice Aes Sedai, named Kathana Justinia Trevalaer. She was a wonderful person, the nicest and kindest and sweetest and prettiest and not at all delusional. She was actually quite wacky and probably should have been locked up awhile ago. Some how this wacky Aes Sedai was raised Amyrlin. No one could figure it out. Maybe it was a slow day and the Hall needed some entertainment. Maybe they thought she was the most qualified. Nah, they probably were bored.

Anyways, one day as she was doing Amyrlinish things in her study, someone knocked on her door. It was Chissa, her Keeper. Chissa sometimes felt like more of a Zoo Keeper than a Keeper of the Chronicles, because of the shenanigans she was forced to deal with from Kathana and some of the other Aes Sedai.

“Mother, there is some one downstairs you need to see.”

The Amyrlin looked up from the game of Cats Cradle she was playing. “Really? A visitor? For me? Wow!”

“Yes, Mother.” said the long-suffering Keeper. “He’s rather important, so you might want to hurry.”

Going downstairs to the main Hall, the Amyrlin saw a man clutching a broken bit of spear and talking to himself.

“No! We can’t kill them all right now. We might need them. And who’s this Ilyena chick anyways? She sounds hot…”

“Um Chissa, who’s this fruitcake?”

With a heavy sigh, Chissa said, “Mother, I have the honor of presenting to you the Lord of the Morning, the Prince of the Dawn, the Dragon Reborn, Who, Hopefully, Has a Good Sense of Humor and Won’t Balefire You Out of the Pattern for Writing This. He says his name is Phoenix.

“Hi Phoenix. Nice tattoos. I have one too.” Rolling up her sleeve, she presented him with a peeling temporary tattoo. “Only mine’s Tweety-bird, not dragons.”

“Who are you supposed to be? Where is this place? I have to go break the seals. Must break the seals. Yes, break them all…”

The Amyrlin leaned back on her heels to whisper to Chissa, “Go get Francesca. Tell her we’ve got another one. Oh and send Lanfir and her Warders out here too.” Chissa nodded and left quickly.

“Okay Phoenix,” she said in a nice soothing voice. “Why don’t you give me that stick before you poke out your eye and I’ll send for some nice mint tea? Or maybe some yummy chocolate pudding?”

“Witch! Answer my questions!”

“Fine, I’m the Amyrlin Seat and you’re in the White Tower.”

“Oh yeah? If this is the White Tower, then where are all the novices and Accepted?”

“Hey! I have a perfectly good system of Sealed to the Ring, Hall and Flame. It’s not my fault that people don’t pay attention to them!”

“Hi Ms. Amyrlin. Can I have a kiss?” Darksmoon, one of Lanfir’s Warders came into the Hall.

“No! No kisses!” Kathana said automatically. “Where’s Lanfir?”

“Oh, she got into the brandy again last night. She’s upstairs sleeping it off.”

“Great, just great. Where are the rest of her Warders?”

“Darkseid and Fremen are gone again. Dark Blight went to go find someone named GRAY AVATAR and some rope. Something about ‘another lynch mob’.” He scratched at a flea. “Anyways, can I be Amyrlin?”

“What? You can’t be Amyrlin. You’re not even Aes Sedai.” she said.

“Well, can I be Aes Sedai then?”

“Can you channel?” the Amyrlin asked. “You have to be a woman who can channel.”

“That’s discrimination!” he yelled.

Just then, there was a commotion behind her. Turning, she saw someone who looked like a Warder stride proudly into the room.

“My name is Roland Broadclock. I am desperately in love with you. Can I be your Warder?”

“Eww. No, you have cooties. Go away.”

“Please. I brought my own sword.”

“No, leave me alone!” she yelled at him.

“Hey, Mommy! How are you? Who are all these people?” Ciara, a Green sister came into the room now.

She was an old friend of the Amyrlin’s.

“Hi, Ciara.” Darksmoon sidled up to her. “Can I have a kiss?”

“Go away, you have Lanfir for that.” Said the blonde Aes Sedai.

“Ciara, this is Phoenix, the Dragon Reborn and Roland, who wants to be my Warder.”

“Oh goody! Can I give them makeovers?”

“Sure, go right ahead and ask.”

Phoenix was now pacing back and forth muttering under his breath about killing Demandred and all the Forsaken. “Must destroy them all. Kill Demandred. Then all the rest. Yes, kill them all. Except the women. Can’t kill women…”

“Hi! Can I give you a makeover?” she asked brightly.

“No! I have to fight the Dark One and then die. I’m too busy,” he said in a depressing voice.

“Well, do you want to be my Warder? I can always use another Warder.”

“Aren’t you listing? I’m busy!”. He yelled and grabbed saidin. He wove something out of Air and Fire that exploded in mid-air above the room. Sparks rained down on their heads.

“Protect the Amyrlin!” yelled Darksmoon.

“I’ll save you, my precious.” Roland flung Kathana down and shielded her with his own body.

“Ouch, get off me, you big oaf! I can’t breathe.”

“Can I give you mouth to mouth?” said Darksmoon eagerly.

“No!”

Shoving Roland away from her, the Amyrlin rose to her feet. She rarely lost her temper, but she was seriously annoyed now. She stomped over to Phoenix and slapped him across the face. “Don’t EVER do that again, you naughty boy!”

“You..you struck me! Me! The Dragon Reborn!” he raged. “I’ll get you for this! You and your little Aes Sedai too!”

“Oh knock it off. Or I’ll-”

“Mother…” Chissa hurried back into the Hall.

“There you are! Where are the Reds?” The Amyrlin demanded.

“Hi Chissa, can I have a kiss?”

“Go away, you have fleas.” To the Amyrlin, “Um…Well, I don’t think they are going to come. I… Um… accidentally walked in on them and…”

“Spit it out!”

“Well Francesca and Narell were both wearing these filmy dresses and they were feeding Ender grapes.” she finished, blushing.

“Oh.” Kathana thought for a moment. “That explains a lot.”

“Yeah, then Narell went pale and almost fainted and Francesca began cussing me out, so I don’t think they will be coming along.”

“Excuse me,” said Phoenix. “But I was in the middle of a good psychotic rampage there.”

“Yeah, and I’m still looking for a Warder.” Chimed in Ciara.

“What about me, my lovely?” Roland broke in. “The Amyrlin needs a Warder.”

“Yes that’s a good idea.” Boomed a voice. A very tan and happy looking Sam strolled in with a giggling, blushing, equally tan Blackthorne on his arm.

“Where have you two been?” asked Darksmoon.

“Club Med. It was very nice. Anyways, I think…”

“Ack! Shut up! All of you! I’m going back to bed.” The Amyrlin interrupted him.

“I don’t want a Warder anymore. You are all insane and you’re taking me with you!” she shriked and ran off to her room.

“Wait a minute, I have a question.”

“What is it Darksmoon?”

“Where are all the novices and Accepted?”

“Ahhhhhh!!!” she yelled again.

“There goes one really cool Amyrlin”, said Stealth

“What? Who are you? What are you doing here?” demanded Ciara.

“Oh I’m one of Kaleyra’s Warders. The Amyrlin usually finishes her humorous fanfics with the line ‘There goes one f***ed up Aes Sedai’. She changed it because she is Amyrlin now, and she had me say it because I said she was cool the other day.” he grinned.

“Oh okay. Does this mean the story’s done?” said Ciara.

“Yup, it’s all done now.”

“Then why hasn’t she stopped writing yet?”

“I think she is trying to drag it out as much as possible.”

They all stood around the Hall waiting for the Amyrlin to get bored and let them go. Ciara sighed. Phoenix checked his watch. Darksmoon scratched at a flea. Finally a voice called down from upstairs. “Fine, you can go!!”

As they all filed out, Darksmoon muttered, “She may be Amyrlin now, but she is still f***ed up.”