Date:03/6/99 05:48:13
Name:The Amyrlin Seat
Subject:The Sequel
Once upon a time there was a very twisted Amyrlin Seat. She wrote a bizarre story with a few of her friends in it and settled back to see who would kill her. Oddly enough, no one did. In fact, the people who had been left out seemed quite upset. Grinning maniacally, she settled in to write a sequel.
The Amyrlin was once again in her study doing Amyrlinish things. She never told anyone what these things were, but they seemed to involve huge amounts of chocolate pudding. There were little plastic cups scattered everywhere in her study. Leaning back in her chair, she happily licked off the last remaining glob of pudding from her special pudding spoon.
Then she sniffed. That wasn’t pudding she smelled. It smelled like a fire. Rising from her chair, she went out to where Chissa, the Keeper was leaning back in her chair, feet propped on the desk, working crossword puzzles.
“Chissa dear, where is that smoke coming from?”
“Hmm? Oh, I think that’s Francesca downstairs burning all her filmy dresses. I think she is rather upset by that story you wrote.”
“Oh, whoops. I guess I should apologize for that.” The Amyrlin went back into her study and made a little note on a yellow sticky note and stuck it to the window. She noticed that all of the little yellow sticky notes were starting to block out the sunlight coming through the window.
“Hmm…Maybe I ought to throw some of these away. Which ones have I already done? Let’s see…’Go shopping for more Warder biscuits’. I don’t need that anymore. ‘Become undisputed Empress of the Universe.’ Need to keep that one. ‘Slap Phoenix around.’ Already did that one…several times.”
Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. She went to answer, muttering about being interrupted.
“Oh, hello Ranges. How are you?”
“Gekkie!”
“Okay…Um…okay.”
“Gekkie, gekkie, gekkie!”
“Right. I think you’ve been working to hard dear. Why don’t you go lie down?”
Hustling the obviously over stressed Gaidin out the door, she shut it tightly and leaned against it. She hoped it wouldn’t be another long day like last time she wrote a story.
The door knocked again. Sighing, she opened it. It was Sathinar waving a piece of paper and foaming at the mouth. Literally, he was foaming at the mouth.
“You left me out! I’m the craziest person here and you left me out!!” He pushed past her into the study.
“Oh no, you don’t! Last time you came in here you kidnapped me! You are going right back outside, Mister!” She pointed angrily at the door.
“I don’t think so, Seat. See this? It’s a suponea. I’m suing you for not putting me in the last story.”
“What? That’s ridiculous. You can’t sue me for that!”
“Yes I can! I even have a lawyer. Come on in, Serafelle.”
Serafelle Sedai strolled in casually. “Hello Mother. How are you today?”
“No way! Serafelle cannot be your lawyer. I refuse to let her. She is way too talented.”
“Oh yeah? What are you going to do about it?” Sathinar sneered.
“Watch.” The Amyrlin picked up a pen off her desk and began scribbling on a piece of paper. Sathinar leaned over her shoulder and read out loud.
“Yes I can…I even have a lawyer…Come on in…Sathinar.” He looked up. “Wait a minute. That doesn’t even make sense. How can I be talking to myself outside in the hall?”
The Amyrlin shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s my story. I can do what I want.” She began shoving him towards the door. “Okay, now go outside and do whatever it is you do when you’re not pestering me.”
Before she could get the door shut all the way, Chissa came in with the mail. “Lots of letters for you, Mother. Look, here’s one from Phoenix.”
“Dear Kathana,” it said. “I really like it when you slap me around. Would you please do it again sometime? And could you ask Blackthorne if you can borrow her catsuit too?”
Kathana blushed a deep scarlet, “What? I can’t believe I just wrote that! I’m going to have to delete that before I post this.” She quickly wrote a reminder on a little yellow sticky note and placed on the window. It gently detached itself and fluttered unnoticed to floor.
“Are there any others, Chissa?”
“Here’s one from Stealth.”
“Dear Amyrlin. You are really cool. Really really really cool. Can I be in your sequel, because I think you are really cool. You are the coolest Amyrlin ever. If you look in the dictionary, under “cool Amyrlins”, there will be a picture of you. You are so cool. In the Light, Stealth Gaidin. P.S. Did I mention how cool you are?”
“There is something in the water here, I swear.”, she muttered. “Are there anymore?”
“Here’s one.”
“I really mean it. You are so cool. You are really, really, really, really, really, really cool. Can I please be in your sequel? Please? Just because you are cool?”
“Please tell me that’s it for the mail, Chissa.”
“One more.” she handed her the last letter.
“Greetings to the pitiful child that claims to be Aes Sedai. I am on my way with a Horde of Ultimate Despair to crush you and your group of half-trained children. We will raze your Tower to the ground and sow salt where you now walk. We will slaughter you and any army you raise against us. The ravens will feast on your flesh and rats will drink your blood. Tremble and prepare to kneel before the Shadow. MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Demandred, Nae’blis. P.S. Disregard the above, I changed my mind.”
“That’s the last one, right?”
“Yes, it is.”
“Good. I don’t think I can handle much more of this. I’m going outside for a walk.”
Outside, in the fresh air, things didn’t seem so odd anymore. Darkseid Gaidin was in a corner under a tree, playing a tune. He noticed the Amyrlin and smiled, switching his song. Kathana frowned, trying to recognize it. Ah yes, “Bitch”. Pleased with her musical memory, she continued on her stroll.
Turning a corner, she encountered one of the unbonded Warders, Ladon.
“Hey, Amyrlin I need to talk to you.”
“Yes dear, what is it?”
“Don’t call me that! I’m not anyone’s “dear”!”
“But I call everyone that. You know, kind of a motherly, former Brown thing…”
“I don’t care, I’m not everyone.”
“Fine”, she sighed. “I won’t call you that, d-dude.”
“Good, anyways, I’m going to leave the Tower. No one has bonded me yet, so I’m giving up on being a Warder.”
“Oh?” she raised one eyebrow. This was a trick she couldn’t do in real life so she tended to over do it here.
“Yeah, I’m going to become a Jedi knight, and I wanted to know if you would come with me. It’s better than channeling I bet.”
“Um, I don’t think so. I kind of like being Amyrlin Seat. I get to boss people around.”
“But you could use your Jedi powers of persuasion on people and not have to yell so much.”
“Really?” Kathana thought it over. “No, I don’t think so. Yelling is therapeutic. Besides, I never actually watched Star Wars. See you later, Ladon.” With that, she swept off down the garden path, leaving him spluttering behind her.
As she was passing by some shrubs, something lunged out at her. She quickly embraced the Source to fend off her attacker.
“Hi Mom! Have you seen Ciara?”
“Jeez! You scared the crap out of me, Arik!”
“Oh sorry…Anyways, have you seen Ciara today?”
“No, she’s not in this story, dear.”
“Oh, okay. Well, if you see here, tell her I’m looking for her.” with that he dove back into the bushes.
“It’s the water. It has to be the water. Maybe Therva knows how to fix it.” she muttered as she continued down the path.
A commotion near the edge of a pool distracted her from her irritated mutterings. Four figures wear clustered around the edge, having an argument. They wear doing a lot of yelling and hand waving. Drawing closer, she realized that only three of them wear actually real. The fourth was some sort of cardboard cut out. She recognized Tarishma Sedai and Bellina Sedai, as well as Corindha, one of the Far Dareis Mai. That meant the cut out had to be…
“Krycek!” yelled Corindha, waving one of her spears.
“No, Mulder is waaay cuter!”, said Tari. “Just look at him.” Bellina held up a plastic figurine of Mulder for inspection.
“See?” said Bellina. “Just look at those eyes!”
“He is such a babe.” agreed Tari.
“Exactly, he is a squalling child, next to my Krycek.” Corindha affectionately stroked the shoulder of her cut out.
“Well, maybe the Amyrlin will set you straight. Mother, could you tell us who is cuter? Agent Mulder or Agent Krycek?” Bellina had noticed her approaching.
The Amyrlin looked at them with a shocked expression. “You are wasting my valuable time with this frivolous argument? Don’t you three have better, more important things to do? This has got to be the silliest argument I’ve ever heard.” Bellina and Tarishma began to wilt under the Amyrlin’s tirade. Even Corindha looked uncertain and avoided looking at her. “And do you know why this is such a silly debate, Daughters?” they all mutely shook their heads. “Because everyone knows Mulder is cuter.”
The two Aes Sedai broke into relived grins, Corindha glared at them all. “You all have toh, to my cut out now. I will leave before I am shamed by you all!” She seized the arm of her cardboard Krycek and stalked off, dragging it along behind her.
“And people say I have problems.” muttered the Amyrlin.
Ender ran up the path and stopped in front of her, panting. “Mother, I need to talk to you…Francesca’s trying to ki…What? Why won’t you guys look at me?”
“Um, Ender dear, you forgot to put you eye patch on again.” the Amyrlin gently pointed out. Bellina had turned almost the same color as her green fringed shawl.
“Oh whoops, sorry.” He covered the gaping hole in his head with one hand. “Better? Anyways, I need to talk to you about Francesca. She’s trying to kill me because…”
“You know what? I would really love to talk to you, but it’s lunch time and I’m hungry again.”
“No!!! She’s going to kill me and its all your fault…”
“Bye dear.”
Back inside her Study, she sat down in her chair to eat her lunch. It was a big bowl of chocolate pudding and a pot of Mint Tea.
“Yum. Morgan’s secret recipe!” She said, taking a sip.
There was a polite rap at the door. “Come in dear.” She called.
Lone Wolf entered the study on his hands and knees, groveling. “O Mighty Amyrlin! You who are so wise and wonderful and great and all of that. May I please kiss your ring?”
She sighed, “You only have to do that in your stories, dear. Get up off the floor; you look silly. What did you come in here for anyways?”
“I came to watch the meat.” He said rising off the floor, brushing dirt off his knees.
“What?” Kathana raised one eyebrow.
“Amyrlin Seat! I said Seat! I came to see the Amyrlin Seat!” he yelled blushing.
“Right, fine. Whatever. What did you need?”
“I don’t know…I forgot. Let me stand here like an idiot until I remember.”
“Okay, do whatever.”
There was another knock at the door.
“Come in!” the Amyrlin called again.
“Good afternoon, Kathana. How are you?” Ben, the Master at Arms, came in carrying a basket.
“Hello Ben. What do you need?”
“Well… I really want to be in your sequel. Can I?”
“Well, I don’t know. It’s getting long enough.”
He threw back the cloth. “But I have chocolate!”
“Chocolate? No, I must resist. This can’t go on forever.”
“Are you sure, Kathana? It’s nice and yummy. Look, here’s a piece of fudge…”
“Oh alright! You can be in my story!” she grabbed eagerly for the basket of chocolate goodies on the desk.
“JENN. GET OFF THE COMPUTER RIGHT NOW.”
“Who is that? The Dark One?” Ben looked up at the ceiling trying to see where the voice was coming from.
“No, it’s worse.” moaned Lone Wolf. “It’s her roommate Mary.”
“GET OFF RIGHT NOW. I WANT TO TALK TO DUTCHBOY”
“Fine, fine. Just let me finish up here. I gotta go now, guys.”
“AND WHEN YOU GET OFF, PLEASE DON’T TURN ON THE STEREO AND JUMP AROUND, FLAPPING YOUR ARMS. I HATE THAT.”
“You mean my dancing? But I love dancing….”
“YOU CALL THAT DANCING? I’D CALL IT A GRAND MAL SEIZURE DISORDER…”
“Shut up!!! Quit making fun of me!! I’m the Amyrlin Seat!”
“SO?”
The Amyrlin stuck her tongue out at the empty air. She grabbed a stack of papers off her desk. “Okay, guys. I have to go now. I’ll see you later.” She ran out the door, without waiting for them to say goodbye back.
“JENN. YOU FORGOT TO SWITCH OVER ICQ AGAIN.”
“Fine!” She ran back in and moved something on her desk. “There! Are you satisfied?”
“YES.” The voice sighed as the Amyrlin ran out of the room again. “SHE IS ONE F***ED UP ROOMMATE.”
****EPILOGUE****
Deep inside an abandoned mine, Sathinar crawled along a narrow tunnel. He had to make it to the surface, before Seat finished her story. He had to make it to be in the ending. Looking, up he saw that he was too late. He had been relegated to the epilogue. “NOOOOOOOOO!” he howled, as Seat gleefully dropped anvils on his head.
“That’ll teach you to call me Seat.” she said with satisfaction.
