Asmodean: I’m not dead yet! I’m nearly better! But I’d just like to say that you lot are a bunch of gits. Please, Bela??? Clearly, if you can’t figure out who killed me you need help and guidance with the more mundane aspects of your lives.

In a former life, Balthamael was a historian gone bad, becoming a general for the shadow. Known for his violent temper, his primary interests are women and… women. Unfortunately, the part of the Bore he was trapped in lacked proper sanitation facilities, so he emerged rather… rotten. He is very sensitive to the fact that he was killed by fungi.

Be’lal was a well respected advocate who came to the Great Lord of the Dark, and eternal life. Now, three thousand years later, he is available to answer all of those pesky questions you might have. Turn ons include interesting legal arguments, ruling backwards nations and his own supremecy among the Chosen. Turn offs include so-called Aes Sedai, and Balefire!

Demandred is almost good at everything. Unfortunately, Lews Therin was always better than him, so he took it as an excuse to turn to the dark side. He enjoys writing, philosophy, and meddling with politics. He also enjoys feeding entire cities to the trollocs.

Stuck with her ugly sounding name since childhood, Graendal has tried to overcompensate by surrounding herself with beauty. A renowned psychologist, though somewhat self centred, she hopes to answer questions about relationships, familial, friendship, and romantic, and of course to assist those in need of a makeover.

Lanfear is undoubtably the most beautiful female in this, or any other world. Not only is she a paragon of perfection, she is the very pinnacle of strength in Saidar, and dazzlingly intelligent. All of this makes her the perfect choice to answer any questions you have on finding and keeping the mate that’s right for you, or whatever else is on your little minds. (Lewsie-poo, I’m waiting!)

Get an education from Mesaana! This well-known teacher from the Age of Legends is available to answer all of your most perplexing questions! Ask her anything from the best way to subvert roomfuls of children to your dark purposes, to how to keep the Dragon Reborn from thwarting your best laid plans. Mesaana has an answer for you!

Moghedien prefers to keep her personal life personal, but also enjoys helping others weave webs of deceit and illusion. Need help out of a tricky situation? Moghedien may help you, but perhaps at a price.

Rahvin is an expert in political intrigue and diplomacy. It is said that the phrase “She’s one in a million” is not just an expression for Rahvin, but the truth. Much of his time is spent seducing [using compulsion] more lovers [poor helpless maids], however he has [been tortured until he] agreed to spend some time to help those less fortunate in love and to answer their questions.

Sammael was a sporting legend. However his sporting career was tragically cut short after taking some of Aginor’s steroid pills which didn’t quite work as planned and left Sammael with some severe shrinkage in the never-regions. Sammael also maintains an abiding hatred of Lews Therin [not that any of the Chosen really like him], and sustains some scary battle scars to prove it. He has also developed a morbid fear of the colour pink, though nobody seems to know why.

Sometimes solving a problem takes time, sometimes it takes patience, and sometimes it takes pain. Though Semirhage may prefer the painful path, she is also a doctor and an amateur psychologist. If you dare, bring her your questions.

Ishamael is our resident evil genius. He is also quite insane, this is partly due to his abuse of the true power and partly because he was forced to listen to the Dark One’s knock-knock jokes, for the past 3,000 years. Ishamael has written many philosophical works during his time in the bore including “Everything you ever wanted to know about Fades (But were afraid to ask)” and “The Little Trolloc That Could”.

You foolish “So-called Chosen” I am a True chosen! Answer my question or face my wrath! I am the GL’s apprentice and he will inflicted insufferable pain if you don’t answer my question….. Anyway why doesn’t the GL answer useless questions like you besides that they are useless? What are your favorite movie, music band, and fast food restaurant? And what do you do when you are not doing the GL’s bidding?

• Sammael REPLYING:
  The Great Lord doesn’t answer your question because you are too tiny to even matter to a great being such as him, and because he is getting his toe nails done this weekend.

I have a few questions that I would like you to answer for me. Even though they might be useless.

Fors…um…Chosen I think I remember one of you letting it slip that Aviendha was a darkfriend is that true that she is? Or is it a lie because that’s kind of hard to believe for me. Also which of Rand’s Asha’men are trustworthy towards him? And finally what is “odd” about Aviendha’s babies.

• Sammael REPLYING:
  Yes Avi is a darkfriend, and she is going to kill Rand in the next book, RJ told me. I think Taim is probably the most trustworthy Asha’men. And Aviendha’s babies are actually all fathered by me.

You answered a question that had my name on it but wasn’t written by me. I demand you withdraw the question written by the false Billy-Bob-Joe and when ever someone sends in a question you make some verification to make sure it’s me.

Now! Having that out of the way I would like to ask if you could correct my spelling for me so I can have the spelling right when I E-mail this to you. (I don’t to look stupid in the E-mail.)

• Graendal REPLYING:
  You’re telling me! Why in the first weeks back on this column some of my answers were mixed up and given to the wrong people entirely. It would probably help if you told us which question you are referring to… hrm. Maybe you have an evil twin? With the same name? And poor spelling?

Hey Forsaken
I come to you seeking knowledge from your obviously great Wisdom. How do you break the Ice with a girl that you really like, but cant talk to worth crap?
My Future is in your hands.

• Graendal REPLYING:
  Find out what she likes and then figure out how to incorporate that into a conversation or possible date idea. Or buy her something sparkly. Sparkly things nearly always work.
• Asmodean REPLYING:
  Sing her a song? Girls are suckers for things like that.
• Semirhage REPLYING:
  Don’t bother, we women are only on this earth to BRING YOU PAIN

Rahvin appears to be pretty famous for his womanizing. Since he’s a handsome man, why would he have to force all those women? And has he ever made a pass at Lanfear or Graneadel? Does he have any tips for attracting the amorous attentions of a Chosen like him?

• Moghedein REPLYING:
  Rahvin really isn’t nearly as studly as he seems to think he is. He got tired of the rejection, and therefore started using compulsion in order to improve his self esteem. Either that, or we all are just jealous of him and explain his extraordinary good luck in bed by claiming he uses compulsion. *shrug* you decide.
• Graendal REPLYING:
  Yeah, he’d like to think he has a chance with me… but really, there’s FAR too much back hair. *shudder*
• Asmodean REPLYING:
  Really, he’s not the only one who succeeds with women, some of us just like to keep our private lives private.
• Rahvin REPLYING:
  What can I say, but yes I am incredibly handsome and a world renowned womanizer!

  Although for some reason most women object to sleeping with us Chosen, something to do with being a murderer or having no morals [whatever they are] or something like that…. That’s why I use compulsion, it’s like a bit of oil to help a well built machine run at its peak performance. Oh yeah!

  As for Lanfear and Graendal, lets just say I have very high standards, and some Chosen *cough* Lannie and Grannie *cough* just don’t live up to them.

• Lanfear REPLYING to Rahvin:
  Which is why he only asks two or three times a night. It’s really quite tiresome.
• Graendal REPLYING to Rahvin:
  What-Ever Major Loser.

Now. we’ve all heard about Mesaana’s children and the dreadful things they did (shame on thee!) but how would you feel oh Mesaana of having children of your own eh? I’m guessing they would be woven into plots and schemes along with the rest of the…ahem…’chosen’, but would there be any love there?

• Mesaana REPLYING:
  I much prefer to leave the actual process of spawning children to those better suited to such… physical tasks.
• Rahvin REPLYING to Mesaana:
  Well if you ever need any help, creating more children, I could give you a hand…
• Balthemal REPLYING:
  Children have an annoying tendency to grow up and start competing with you. Then you have to kill them. So why go to the trouble of raising them in the first place?

Hey Aginor (or is that Osan’gar now?), how’s it hanging? Look, I’ve got this problem. My exams for 1st year university science are coming up, and I have to pass if I am to move on, graduate, and create an unstoppable army of evil mutants – subservient to you, of course. Unfortunately, one of the subjects I have to pass is Chemistry, and I just don’t understand orbital hybridization. Please help! If you tell me, I will pledge my soul to the Great Lord for all eternity!

Your future servant,
Kazinishi.

• Be’lal REPLYING:
  May I offer an alternative? Swear to the Great Lord’s service under my guidance, and I will enslave your professor and force him to not only pass you in your tests, but be your lab assistant in your plan to create mutant rivals to Aginor’s shadowspawn.
• Rahvin REPLYING:
  Well, you see when an atom, forms covalent bonds, it forms a shape based on how many electron clouds it has and how many of these clouds form a bond to another atom. For example take Carbon, which usually has 4 electron clouds, and four single bonds, which stick out from the C atom, at about 109 degrees from one another. This it forms that shape of a tetrahedral. However our electron shell theory tells us that the electrons exist in specific shells. With carbon there is one valence electron shell in the s sub-shell [which is closer to the nucleus and spherical in shape] and three in the p sub-shell [which are shaped like dumbbells], the problem is: How do we get four equal length bonds, when one of the bonding electrons is in a completely different sub-shell?? The answer/theory that is proposed is that when an atom bonds, the s and p sub-shells merge to create sp^3 sub-shells [1 s electron and 3 p electrons], these 4 electrons now exist in the 4 sp^3 sub-shells of the same size, but are pointed in different directions [109 degrees apart] it is these ‘hybridized’ orbitals which they bond with the orbitals of other atoms, thus forming the covalent bond between the atoms.

  If you require better or more explanation, I suggest going to either: the textbook, a decent science web site, a sympathetic tutor/lecturer.

  That will cost one soul, pledged to the Great Lord! Thank you please come again!

  And you thought I was all sleaze and sex….

You really need to stop being so reckless. Getting yourself killed… all those mistakes. You must really hate all of the other Chosen. By the way, is there anything that I can do to help? I mean… bring you back to life… or kill someone. You know. Think creatively.

Malcheior Sveth
Patriarch of the Citadel

• Be’lal REPLYING:
  Hey! No skipping ahead of the line, Asmodean! I’m still waiting for someone to bring _me_ back to life… And I’m preparing a nice little ball of lightning for any cringing, traitorous wimps that might be thinking about it.
• Asmodean REPLYING:
  Why do you think I would want to come back to ‘life’? Perhaps it is nice and lovely where I am right now. And certainly it is better than putting up with the eternal whining of the other Chosen, I mean, really. And what indicates to you that I am currently reckless?

Where the freak are you!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Why haven’t you answered any questions !?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

I mean plotting against Rand can’t take up that much time. I mean this column(SP?) is what I live for!!!!!!!!!

• Semirhage REPLYING:
  Wow, you really do lead a pitiful and sad existence. Nonetheless, I like to cause angst where I can.
• Ishamael REPLYING:
  Oh dear it looks like we have another groupie…

Can I be Nae’blis? Please? Ill be a good boy. Eat all my veggies, please I wanna play? I’ll tell on you if you don’t let me be Nae’blis.

PS I have a one power shield, like Mat’s necklace. And a True Power shield.

• Graendal REPLYING:
  Riiiiiiiiigggghhhhhtttttt. Um, of course, but first you have to start out cleaning latrines like the rest of us did. Erm, well, as the OTHER Chosen did. I of course was never subject to such humiliating tasks.

I have always been faithful to the Great Lord. But lately I’ve been thinking that maybe he doesn’t love me back. But all my (dark) friends assure me that he knows of us all, and loves all those who are faithful and effective at killing Aes Sedai (of which I have killed many). So I thought that if I were to die, the Great Lord would surely bring me back to life, right? If he doesn’t, then my life was a waste anyway I wouldn’t care anymore anyway.

So here’s my question: how should I kill myself? Should it be gruesome and horrible? Should it be painless and clean? Should it take days of excruciating pain? I beg you, O Great Chosen who are but a step below the Great Lord himself, how should I commit suicide?

• Semirhage REPLYING:
  What? The Great Lord loathes and despises pretty much everyone and everything, and of COURSE he loathes and despises puny mortal type beings the most. So what better way to prove your inferiority and unworthiness than to prove your mortality by dying.
• Lanfear REPLYING:
  Go out with a bang. Get as many explosives as you can, and go blow yourself up, along with those insipid little who… I mean, girls that insist on hanging around Lews Therin. The Great Lord and I will both be very pleased if you would do this for us.
• Ishamael REPLYING:
  You know the Great Lord is a lot like Santa Claus, he knows when you’ve been bad or good, he knows when you’re awake, and unless you suck to him big time, Christmas can be a very bad time…

{The Dark One’s note: THERE WASN’T ACTUALLY A QUESTION HERE. BUT THEY ANSWERED ANYWAYS. REMIND ME AGAIN WHY I AM LOSING THE BATTLE FOR WORLD DOMINATION TO A JUMPED UP SHEPARD…]

• Moghedein REPLYING:
  Yes, that is clever. Call me.
• Graendal REPLYING:
  Oh please, Rand we ALL know it’s you. No use trying to hide, because, well, you know, you can’t.
• Demandred REPLYING:
  I had to think long and hard about this question. I have come to the conclusion that you are entirely right. I agree.
• Rahvin REPLYING:
  Your Reply to : How can you say that! That is blantantly false and wrong! I’m disgusted [and a little bit turned on] that you would contemplate such a concept.
• Ishamael REPLYING:
  I concur, your proposal is the core ideal behind 3rd Age philosophy. The implications of this can not be over stated and I am sure that it will be only a matter of time, before it is accepted by everyone, including those lightfools…

Is there a way that I can sign up to be Compelled by any female Forsaken? It must be a hell of a party. . .

• Moghedein REPLYING:
  Those who ask for it are those you usually least want to compell.
• Graendal REPLYING:
  No, though there are local, regional and national pageants in which competitors attempt to prove their worthiness, usefulness, and sexiness to me, sign up, you just might get lucky.
• Semirhage REPLYING:
  I have a variety of pointy, hard, sharp, stingy, bitey, hurtey things that do the compelling for me. But I choose who gets them, volunteers are generally declined.
• Rahvin REPLYING:
  Hey man, no pushing in, I’ve been waiting on that list for the past 3 thousand years.

Why aren’t you answering any questions, I mean come on.

And you must be missing your weekly Candy Bar

• Asmodean REPLYING:
  Hey, it’s not easy putting together this column regularly you know. The medium I usually communicate my answers to has been off sick for the last month! How is one supposed to convey their answers from the netherworld via an inferior medium I ask you?

Aginor, it would be to my fondest wishes if you would please explain to the best of your knowledge, Einstein’s theory of relativity. To my bemusement, we skipped that in Grade 12 Physics for some reason. >:{

• Aginor REPLYING:
  Finally a Question worth my time… Well, Einstein’s Principle of Relativity has two main postulates:
  1. The laws of physics are the same in all inertial reference frames.
  2. The speed of light in a vacuum has a constant value (3×10^8 m/s) in all inertial frames, regardless of the velocity of the observer.
  The consequences of this theory are many. For instance, as an object approaches the speed of light relative to the observer, the object’s time appears to the ’stationary’ observer to slow, its mass and length appear to decrease. There’s a lot more to the theory of relativity, but what would I know? I’m a biologist, not a physicist.
• Balthemal REPLYING:
  Aaaah, the Theory or Relativity. Einstein clearly states that E=MC^2, which means that the total Energy in the universe is equal to Macaroni times Cheese squared.

This is a question asked to Rahvin and Be’lal. Does balefire hurt? Do you see events going backwards and then darkness? Also I have long served the creator and gotten squat, where can I sign up, and who would be the best chosen to serve? (Give a 1 to someone and a 2 to another – we all know you’ll just choose yourself for 1 )

• Be’lal REPLYING:
  You know, all I remember is this giant stabbing pain through my chest for about _two hours_ before Mr. I’m Clueless Telamon wandered into the room and his stupid Aes Sedai ambushed me. I’d recommend avoiding it.
• Balthemal REPLYING:
  Bah! You think being balefired hurt! How do you think it felt to be killed by a bunch of lousy MUSHROOMS!!!!
• Demandred REPLYING:
  The French Foreign Legion is the Dark One’s primary recruitment organization in your world. When you enlist, just mention my name and they’ll send you to the right place.

Chosen I am you humble servant to command but will you PLEEESE!!!!!!! Answer my questions first. Chosen I think I remember one of you letting it slip that Aviendha was a darkfriend is that true that she is? Also which of Rand’s Asha’men are trustworthy towards him? And finally what is “odd” about Aviendha’s babies.

P. S. I wrote these questions last week and I not lazy or trying an easy way out and I have read all of the “Wheel of time” books except number 10 or above. The reason I am asking you is that I am just to dumb to figure out things on my own so I need other people to solve them for me and tell me.
Will you PLEEEEESE tell me?
Thank You
Your future servant

• Ishamael REPLYING:
  I am not a record and I will not repeat myself. However I think it quite obvious that Taim is the real hero of the story, and is clearly one of the most trustworthy of Rand’s followers.
• Asmodean REPLYING:
  Ahhhh truly we are but all pawns in this great game of life, moved by unseen forces in a manner which suits unknown plans. Truly, what are these ‘facts’, ‘truths’, and ‘destinies’…. and why am I suddenly feeling a huuuge craving for Doritos?
• Demandred REPLYING:
  The French Foreign Legion is the Dark One’s primary recruitment organization in your world. When you enlist, just mention my name and they’ll send you to the right place.

Hey guys!
I was thinking about bonding my dog.  Can you do that? thanks! see ya

• Aginor REPLYING:
  Just a little history lesson: In the Age of Legends bonding was not possible, because no one made it up yet (call us old timers if you will), and today, we don’t have the time to play with it all that much…sure, we could figure out a way to bond you to your dog (you’d be out, walking that dog 24/7 in that case) if we really wanted to, but we are to busy refurnishing, so maybe in another age? Thank you very much and please do visit the pits… escort already provided *2 rather large dog-trollocs show up to escort you to your doom-pit*
• Aran’gar REPLYING:
  Yes, I can think about bonding your dog. It’s not a pleasant thought, however, even were it not impossible. I would suggest that next time, you try to find something little less furry.
• Ishamael REPLYING:
  No *balefires the daughter and the dog*
• Semi REPLYING:
  No you can’t bond your dog… what kind of sick question is that.
• Moghedien REPLYING:
  There is no need to bond the dog.  It is there naturally.
• Sammael REPLYING:
  Why would you want to bond a dog? Wouldn’t bonding one of those “Warders” work to the same advantage? Think about it, they laze about, drool all over you and cause massive headaches. Just get a Warder. At least they carry swords.
• Asmodean REPLYING: Man get a shorter name would you. And they call us evil, I fell asleep twice reading that name!

  *balefires the other sixteen moons*

  There, that’s much better.

• Lanfear REPLYING:
  Well, I don’t see why you couldn’t… but would it be worth it?  I mean, you have to think about what’s in it for you!  That’s what I always do. *nods*
• Mesaana REPLYING:
  That is possibly one of the stupid things I’ve ever heard.

can you explain the the diffrent ways to skin a cat. and can you teach me to walk on land. oh and can i have a grape sucker?

• Lanfear REPLYING:
  I just got back from the beach and I’m really not in the mood for any more seafood.  But maybe I could be persuaded with some oysters *wink*
• Aran’gar REPLYING:
  There’s only one way to skin a cat. People just get confused by the number of different tools that can be used to do it.
  If you want to walk on land, get some shoes. The little pebbles can be annoying.
  And I don’t think Aginor has created a grape-sucker yet; he’s having trouble catching the goat-sucker birds that he wanted to use as a base.
• Ishamael REPLYING:
  Clippers and a nice blade does the trick.  As for walking you’re on your own, and I’m all out of grape suckers
• Semi REPLYING:
  The time has come the walrus said to talk of many things, of shoes and ships and sealing wax and cabbages and kings, and why the sea is boiling hot and whether pigs have wings.

  *chuckles* Always beware the walrus.

• Moghedien REPLYING:
  I will not teach you to skin a cat. I like cats and skining one would displease me. If you can’t walk on land you have a problem too big to solve in this column. No grape sucker for you.
• Asmodean REPLYING:Well there are nine hundred and twenty four, no wait, nine hundred and twenty three different ways. All you need to do is swear your soul to the Great Lord and all of them will be revealed to you. As for walking on land, don’t bother. You are only fit to grovel at our feet anyway. If we wish for you to walk we will tell you when and how,… and where.
• Mesaana REPLYING:
  No, no and no.

I hate people.

Is there a way to rid put the scourge of society from my misery without retarded repercussions or sideffects?

• Moghedien REPLYING:
  I’m glad you hate people, for the most part so do I. If you join the shadow you will learn how to remove people without repercussions. It is a useful skill. Not for the faint hearted, but that does not sound like you.
• Lanfear REPLYING:
  Not as far as YOU would know, punk.
• Mesaana REPLYING:
  What a question… I like society. It can easily be bent towards my will by the proper education of the children. As for conversations with men, I’ve had plenty. They begin differently, but always end the same. “Oh please! No! Don’t!” That sort of thing. Its very obnoxious.
• Ishamael REPLYING:
  Move to Isle of Madmen. The Blight is nice this time of year too.

In the books it states that Ishmaael is the strongest of the chosen. He is closely followed by Lanfear. Then why when Rand blocks the gateway to go after Aviendha Asmodean states that he thought only Demandred of Semirhage could do that? Do these tow have some special kind of talent?

• Aran’gar REPLYING:
  Ishy is insane; he can’t focus long enough to tie his shoelaces, much less block open someone’s gateway. Lanfear… Well, we all know how Lanfear is. *smiles*
• Asmodean REPLYING:
  Well I told Lews Therin… I mean, Rand, that because Ishy was already dead, and I didn’t know then that he was brought back in his new body. You are also correct by the way. Both of the others have a talent for reading residues, which aids greatly in what Rand had done with the gateway that the little aiel chit had formed.
• Moghedien REPLYING:
  Well we know Ishy is insane and has some abilities. The other Chosen keep secret what they can do. I would not care to guess who else has the ability.
• Lanfear REPLYING:
  Pfffft.
• Mesaana REPLYING:
  *waves an ice pick in face* Ooooh…The little punk socialist has a question. Shouldn’t you be off preaching against the middle class or hiding in Mexico from Stalin or something, instead of bothering me with your idiot question that any fool with an ounce of common sense could solve? Stupidity like this is what got you exiled in the first place. Stupid Wobblies…
• Ishamael REPLYING:
  What do you mean I’m insane?? I’m just misunderstood.

I just want to say, the Nazgul could kill you all in a heartbeat! The One Power! paah! You’d all be better off taking evil classes from Sauron, you and that dark one of yours

• Moghedien REPLYING:
  Balderdash!
• Lanfear REPLYING:
  You’re right!  What HAVE we been thinking, lo these millenia?
• Mesaana REPLYING:
  Oh honey, I don’t TAKE lessons, I GIVE them. Why don’t you come on over here and I’ll teach you a few things.
• Ishamael REPLYING:
  *balefires Frodobean, Nazgul, and Sauron* Hurt like the Abyss didn’t it. Who’s your daddy!! BOOYAH!
• Mesaana REPLYING:
  Ooohhh! Ishy told you like a prom bytch! BOOYAH!

I don’t think you “chosen” are all powerful and all knowing. In fact, as a loyal Darkfriend to the Great Lord himself, I have been given a way to test who really is loyal among you….

If you are loyal, you can tell me what a lodestone is used for.

If you fail the test that the Great Lord has given me, your true intentions will be known, and all will know you are not working for our Master’s purposes. You will never be Nae’blis.

p.s. If you think I am faking, then you should have no problem putting me in my place by showing the world your infinite knowledge.

• Asmodean REPLYING:
  *Balefires Kritter*

  Honestly, what insolence! What makes you think I should have to answer your pitiful questions. The Great Lord of the Dark know’s quite well where my loyalties lie, thank you very much. Hey…where’d he go?

• Aran’gar REPLYING:
  I’d use it to beat arrogant Darkfriends over the head. Just a personal preferance. *smiles* By the way, could you step a bit closer? And perhaps lean down a bit?
• Moghedien REPLYING:
  I don’t put much stock in the rantings of a darkfriend and therefore will ignore your question.
• Lanfear REPLYING:
  Erm, I thought it was a piece of magnetite that has magnetic properties and attracts iron or steel… or someone who attracts strongly, like the Great Lord himself.
• Mesaana REPLYING:
  Lets experiment shall we? You eat these iron filings and I’ll move this lodestone around., and then you tell me what it does. Deal?
• Ishamael REPLYING:
  It’s a reference to a magnet. That is what they used to call it. Now hold still while I beat you with it. It’s actually a nice torture tool as well.