The end of Episode V. Episode VI: Return of the Dragon will conclude this exciting saga.

No, I haven’t started on the last part..Don’t ask me when..but soon..Anyway… here it is…

Han Solo and Mark Tiran

Mark stared from the shadows, surveying the Grand Tar Valon Bank. Drooling with anticipation of laying his hands of all that money, he did not notice his shoes getting really wet from the puddle that was rapidly becoming a pond. Or the pile of coins that was piling up as the ordinary citizens of Tar Valon threw at a distance from him, thinking him a mad beggar with a lot of drool.

Mark shook himself out of reverie. This is no time to daydream, he thought to himself. Scanning the area, he noticed one very suspicious character (besides him) that was watching the Bank. He did not need the competition. Then, the stranger noticed him, looked at him and grinned insolently. Then he walked over to where Mark was standing, carefully not stepping on the Drool™, to avoid corroding his brand new boots. Mark noticed his soles were going, and quickly stepped into somewhere dry.

“Hiya kid. The name’s Solo. Han Solo,” the man said, grinning away.

Staring at his grin, Mark had the sneakiest suspicion that ‘Han’ was really Ben T-Gaidin on a really bad practical joke. He gave up that notion when Han pointed a crossbow at him.

“Sorry kid, lost my blaster somewhere. Now let’s go somewhere to talk.”

Saying this, Han prodded Mark on. Slowly they walked down the street, cautiously avoiding the crowd and the Drool™. As they turned into an alley, Mark noticed it was empty. Marking the best place to escape, Mark turned around, facing Han and his crossbow.

“Okay, Han, I’m Mark, Mark Tiran. Now what in the Pit of Doom do you want?”

“Look kid, I noticed you casing out the Bank. Firstly, it ain’t worth it. Secondly, I heard that there’s a better place to steal from, someplace called Shayol Ghul.”

Mark’s face paled visibly.

“You’re new here, aren’t you?” When Han nodded, Mark continued. “You mean you don’t even know what Shayol Ghul means?!!?!”

“Umm…no, but I heard it’s really loaded. The guy in charge? Demand Red?”

“Demandred…not Demand Red.”

“Whatever.” Han shrugged. “Silly name. Anyway, I heard he’s gone somewhere. That means there’s nobody in charge. Whatever way you look at it, easy pickings.”

“Still…I wouldn’t go there for all the marks in the world. There’s many bad tales about that place.”

“What are you, chicken?”

At that, Mark’s face changed. Nobody calls me chicken. “All right, wiseguy. But how are we going there?”

“Normally, I’d take the Falcon, but it seems to be missing. So how do you guys go about?”

“Falcon? What? Faile? She can’t get you anywhere. Anyway, all we got to do is find an NPC Aes Sedai, ask her to open a Gateway for us.”

“Oh yeah? Whatever.” Han shrugged his shoulders, then grinned broadly. “Let’s go!”

Boba Fett and Dreda

He flew through the White Tower on his jetpack, cruising around. Boba felt it was time for a vacation. He was too tired to do any more bounty hunting. He passed Jabba and the Amrylin, busy guzzling down bowls and bowls of chocolate pudding, one using the Spoon™, the other using a extremely long tongue. As he stared at the spectacle, he did not notice Dreda Sedai up ahead, busy reading a book: The Mandoralian Armor, Part One of the Boba Fett Trilogy. Unable to reverse in time, he collided into Dreda. Both sprawled downwards on the floor. Dramon chose this moment to open a Gateway. Seeing the two of them on the floor, he turned really red and proceeded to open another Gateway out ASAP. Then he turned around as a question popped into his mind.

“Dreda, are you Green?”

Dreda, who was still on the floor, trying unsuccessfully to push Boba Fett off her, as Boba had hit his head against his helmet and was currently unconscious. She shook her head.

“Okay, is this something new?” Dramon paused, feeling really hot. “I mean, is that Hawkwing under that armor, instead of a flimsy silk dress?”

Dreda shook her head, more vigorously this time.

“So there’s someone else, eh?” Dramon grinned. “Kinky! Wait till I tell the other Aes Sedai; they’re gonna love armor!” Saying this, Dramon stepped through the Gateway and left.

Dreda stared in frustration at the vanishing Gateway. Trying harder, she pushed against Boba, trying to free herself. Hmmm, maybe I can wriggle myself out. She began to wriggle/squirm her way out.

Chissa choose this moment to enter the room. She wanted to tell someone about the giant slug in the White Tower real badly. She wanted to tell someone about its tongue. She stared at the wriggling figure of Dreda under Boba, blushed deeply, turned and fled to her room, locking herself in. Poor Dreda was still trying to wriggle her way out. Boba, still unconscious, was very, very heavy!

Luke, Lan and Jon’atha

Jon’atha stormed out the White Tower after IG-88’s passing. Walking into the Warder’s Practice Grounds, he saw an amazing sight. One dozen raken had taken to roosting in the Practice Grounds, and Lan Gaidin was trying his best to chase them away. However, mounted on one the raken was a blond hair youth, and he was trying to get his raken to fly.

“Move, you stupid Bantha Poodo,” Luke Sywalker, Jedi Knight, screamed in frustration as the raken solidly refused to move. “Arghhhh!!!” he screamed, as the raken tossed him off. Lan walked over to where Luke lay, staring down at him.

“My dear sir, you are in violation of rule 4 section 29 of the Warders Act, which means you can’t bring foreign animals into the Warders Practice Yard,” Lan recited in a monotonous voice. Luke stared at him, thinking, this is one whacked out Warder. “I’m afraid you have to remove the animals from the Yard right now.”

“I will, if I can get them to move. You’re welcome to try though,” Luke replied as he got up, dusted the dust away from his brown Jedi coat.

“Okay, I’ll try,” Lan hopped on one of the raken and kicked it real hard. It screamed in pain, turned it’s head to stare at Lan, and then threw him off. Lan landed in the ground, stood up wincing, rubbing his aching butt.

Jon’atha hurriedly ran down towards the Yard. “You can’t kick it like that, Lan. You have to give it a command. For example…” Jon’atha crawled up onto one of the raken, avoiding the one that Lan had kicked, for it still looked pretty ticked off. “Fly!”

And the raken took off.

The wind swept past Jon’atha’s ears and he knew the joy of flying. That is, until he looked down. He had a terminal fear of heights where there is no ground under his feet. “Land!!!!!” He screamed in absolute panic. The raken swooped down, finally stopping as it braked down the runway, barely missing not hitting the Yard Wall. He got off and began vomiting.

Luke ran towards the nearest raken and attempted to board it, which was unfortunately, the one that Lan had kicked. “Whoaaaaa!!!!” Luke screamed as he catapulted through the air, landing on his rump again. Jon’atha paused long enough in his vomiting to giggle hysterically. Lan stood there, wincing in sympathy. Then Jon’atha heard a most hideous sound. The sound of hundreds of lipsticks clanging together, the sound of tens of containers containing powder banging together, one dozen sticks of mascara rattling together, and all those sound coming from the White Tower. And he panicked. He scrambled up his raken and shouted to the others to get on theirs. Lan, who had heard the same thing, immediately ran to the nearest raken and mounted, which was unfortunately (snigger) the one he had kicked. He landed on his rump again. Standing he hurried to the next nearest raken, ignoring his aching butt. Luke, meanwhile, was staring in confusion.

“What’s wrong? I’m a Jedi, I can Persuade™ anyone to leave us alone.”

“Do you really think so?” shouted Jon’atha from his lofty perch. “Look and see for yourself.”

And emerging from the depths of the White Tower, a very determined looking Alanna and Leane, holding their Make Over™ kit, faces steely in their determination to find some poor hapless male to makeover. Luke, looking at them, noticing for the first time their pretty faces, fell hopelessly in love with both of them. Lan seeing Luke’s thunderstruck expression, ran down from his raken, went over to where Luke was standing, tossed Luke onto the nearest raken, which was the one that Lan had kicked, but now was mollified and accepted Luke as its rider. Then quickly ran to his raken. Alanna and Leane were already running towards them at full speed. As Lan buckled on his seat belt, he nodded to Jon’atha, who gave the command to the raken to fly. And off they went.

Alanna stared at the departing figures of Jon’atha, Lan and Luke. Then turning to face Leane, who was also disappointed, sighed in dismay. Then her eyes widened as she spotted the nine rakens still left in the Yard. She quickly walked over to one, hopped on and using a natural woman’s instinct, gave the right command to make it fly. Leane followed shortly after, clutching her Make Over™ kit in her hands. The chase was on.

Lone Wolf

Lone Wolf stared at the script. He wasn’t really sure what he was supposed to do in this scene and was currently busy rehearsing when Greedo entered, early. The Rodian stood there, at the door, pointing a Blaster T-95 at him. Lone Wolf scanned through his script, looking for the scene. Seeing none, he stared at Greedo like a bad actor caught forgetting his lines.

Greedo did not forget his. He was, in his own private opinion, the best actor ever in Star Wars, and was quite ticked off that George Lucas had killed him off too early. He therefore was very glad of a second chance.

“Oota goota, Lone Wolf?” Greedo said, pointing his Blaster at Lone Wolf. (BTW it means: “Going somewhere, Lone Wolf?”)

“No not really, I was rehearsing for my scene when you barged in,” Lone Wolf said, a bit peevish. “And you shouldn’t point that Blaster at me or anyone. Firstly, it’s spoiled and it isn’t even Heron Marked™.”

“Spoila?! Craero geeka?!” (“Spoiled?! -Censored-?! “)

Lone Wolf muttered angrily. He hated being called -Censored-. “Well, if you don’t believe me, look into the barrel.”

Greedo raised the barrel near to eye level and looked real carefully inside the hole, then lowered it and said angrily to Lone Wolf. “Toota bonahada.” (“Toot! Bonehead!)

“You have to press the trigger, then you’ll see a flash of where your Blaster is spoiled.”

Greedo raised it again. Pressed the trigger and saw a flash, before he collapsed onto the floor, dead.

“That’s why Lucas killed you off so early, you -Censored-.” Lone Wolf said as he walked over to where Greedo lay and kicked him. “And that’s for calling me a -Censored-.”

Lone Wolf walked back to his desk, going through his lines. Then he realised that he was supposed to have a real long scene with Greedo, whom he had just given assisted suicide. Cursing, he sat back and muttered something about getting better scenes, lines and a new agent.

Radish

Radish scampered through the forest, with his nose in the air, sniffing. He smelled a lot of stuff, starting with lots of chocolate pudding, followed by men, horses and carts. Following the smell through the air, he emerged into a clearing full of men loading barrels of pudding onto the carts. There was one guy in charge and he was holding some pudding in his hand, enjoying it while the others were working. No one noticed Radish except for that guy, which meant a lot. No one could see a Wolfbrother when he didn’t want anyone to see him. Of course, the pudding may have made Radish more visible, due to the Drool™ gathering around his feet, but that’s a different story altogether.

“Hey over there!” the man pointed at Radish.

“Me?”

“Yes! Get over here.”

“Okay.” Radish walked over to where the man stood.

“You’re a native?” Radish nodded. “Well, what’s the fastest way to Cairhien?”

“Umm… That way,” Radish said, pointing towards Cairhien. (Point to note: Radish direction sense is really screwed. He’s pointing towards the Aiel Waste)

“By the way, I’m Talon Karrde. Smuggler Extraordinaire. Right now, I’m heading to Cairhien, there’s a Pudding Festival there.”

“But they have all the pudding they need. You won’t make any money. And I’m Radish.”

“Oh, don’t worry, I’ll make money. So what’s your name?”

“Radish.”

“Really? At first I thought you were describing what racial stock you were from. You don’t see many people with yellow eyes.”

“Really. This whole forest is populated by humans and animals with yellow eyes.”

“What animals?”

“Wolves.”

“Oh, they won’t by any chance, like pudding?”

“Yes. Why?”

“Oh, nothing. Let’s go. Coming along?” Karrde turned around, not seeing if Radish followed. Right now, he was thinking of how he could sell wolves pudding.

Grand Admiral Thrawn

Kagato paused outside the Black Tower kitchens, smelling chicken again. His stomach rumbled fiercely, but he ignored it. He couldn’t stand one more chicken meal. He had fried, steamed, boiled, grounded, flash fried, oiled, greased, sliced and he was sick of it. He was therefore very surprised to see a tall blue skinned person Drooling™ near the kitchens, dry washing his hands at the smell of fried chicken. The tall man looked up, noticing Kagato. Smiling at him, although he looked a bit silly with Drool™ dripping out of one corner of his mouth.

“Hello there, ” the man said. “I’m Thrawn, Grand Admiral of the Empire. What’s the really tasty smell floating out the kitchen?”

“Ermm… chicken. You really get sick of it. BTW, I’m Kagato.”

“Beeteeww?” Thrawn rolled his tongue over the words.

“Be the way, sorry, I keep thinking I’m chatting on the net.”

“Net?” Thrawn was totally confused. This is really one whacked out Soldier, he thought.

“Never mind. Anyway, I have to go. ” Saying this, Kagato walked out of the kitchen into the Tower grounds. Sniffing through the revolting smell (to him and most of the Black Tower), he thought he smelled something else. Pork, he thought. His stomach rumbled hungrily. Looking around, he searched for the source of the smell. Pigs don’t exist in Randland, Kagato thought as he realised that. I mean, cows and sheep, but no pigs! Something is wrong!

His glance settled down on the army of Gamorreans marching towards the Black Tower. He had a really bad feeling about this. Thrawn meanwhile, was happily tucking in the Fried Chicken. You don’t get much chicken patrolling the Outer Rim territories.

Slaughterville

Slaughterville walked out his tent, which was pitched near the Black Tower. Fastening his buckler to his arm and holding his spear in the other, the Aiel Aiel looked ready for battle. Suddenly, a hole ripped open where he was and Ishamael stepped out, sitting on a large floating platform. The Dedicated (Aiel) Aiel heard maniacal laughter, but the sound just did not come from Ishy. He did noticed a rat-like creature sitting on a platform, which Ishy was petting. He felt really weird. He knew something was wrong today, but he wasn’t sure what. It was as if a foul wind had blown across the Dragonmount and caused chaos. Slaughterville felt something thumped him on the back. It hurt. He glanced at Ishamael, who shrugged in denial. Slaughterville shrugged too. It hurt, but he had more important things to do.

The Wind™ grinned in satisfaction. It wasn’t Foul. Woes betide the next person that called it Foul.

Slaughterville looked at Ishy, who stared back through his Surfer™ Shades™. Finally, Ishamael decided to speak.

“Yoz! What’s up?”

Slaughterville stared at him, thinking, This is one messed up Forsaken.

“Umm, nothing really. Is there anything you want?”

“Nope. Not really. See ya!” Ishamael frowned in frustration. That stupid bloody Aiel Aiel did not see my new car. Bah! I’ll find someone else. Turning the jo-car, he ripped open a Gateway and went to Cairhien. Slaughterville shrugged his shoulders as Ishy left. Walking around, he noticed that there was no one around. Except for the Secretary, who did not blink as usual. Walking into the courtyard, he noticed Hawkwing busy fighting with someone clad in black armor. He was about to help out, when the black stranger hooked his finger at him and said in a strange resonating voice, telling him to go away. Slaughterville walked away confused.

Walking near the garbage chutes he heard loud screaming, but he shrugged that away as normal. Probably the Chicken, he thought. Strange, I smell pork. Walking towards the kitchen, he saw a blue-skinned human? eating large amounts of chicken. He gagged in disgust. Walking out a bit more, he saw Kagato struggling with a huge pig? and was trying his darn best to hit it unconscious.

Utterly confused, totally puzzled and absolutely befuddled, the Aiel Aiel decided to return home. Opening a Gateway, he stepped back through to the Waste. And was surprised to see a hooded figure waiting for him. In his hands, he held the same thing the black stranger had, except it was longer. The stranger thumbed the switch and a green blade appeared. Slaughterville leaped forward to dance the spears with the stranger. And stared in astonishment as his spear was chopped in half. He leapt backwards, throwing the useless spear away.

Darth Maul stared at the Aiel Aiel in delight. He would kill this Jedi yet. Raising his hand, he lowered down his hood, revealing his red and black with Horns™ tattooed face. This should scare the bugger to death, he thought. Slaughterville started laughing. (Aiel humor! Hah!!!) Darth Maul was now two things. Very irritated and annoyed. Which meant to say he was ticked off.

And the Wind™, who was breezing along thought, There goes one ticked off Dark Jedi.

Dramon

“No kidding, Lanfir. Armor is in.” Dramon said. “Why just now, I just saw Dreda with a guy under armor.”

“Under?”

“I mean in. Dreda was under.”

“Under?”

“You called, Lanfir?” Ender popped in. “No. I said under, not Ender” Lanfir replied, sipping her Mint Tea.

“Like I was saying, Dreda was under the guy in armor.”

“Really?” asked Ender. Then looking at his watch, he realised he had an appointment with the hairdresser. He also needed new dresses. Bowing to everyone, he left.

“Really,” Dramon said to the disappearing figure of Ender.

“Darks? Get in here.” Lanfir called to her Warders. As they entered, she told them to get into the kinkiest armor they could find. They protested of course, but a little wink made them agree.

At the armory:

“What’s with the armor, Dark Blight?” asked Darksmoon.

“Dunno, Could be fun though.” he replied.

“It’s better than dresses though,” said Darkseid. The other Warders stared at him. “Okay,” he amended, “Dresses are better. Happy?”

Back in Lanfir’s room.

“Now, Dramon, kindly open a Gateway to Dreda?” Lanfir asked sweetly.

Dramon stared at her in confusion. “You said you would pay me.” He stood there, indignant, until Lanfir sighed, then gave him the box of Tea Leafs. Not the Green, but the Yellow-Brown, which unless you were an Expert in Tea Leaf Determining™, looked exactly like the Green. When Dramon wasn’t looking, she sniggered behind. Dramon seized saidin and opened a Gateway to Dreda’s room…

Callandor
Dedicated Cleaner of the Black Tower
Worst Male Channeler Ever
Bonded to Novam Sedai
Holder of the Cuendillar Broomstick
Official Black Tower Welcomer

It’s not all done, but I’m releasing it in 5 parts I hope, maybe 4, but well…Anyway..On with the story….

Beginnings

The Wheel of Time turns, and Ages come and pass leaving memories that become legend, then fade to myth, and are long forgot when that Age comes again. In one Age, called the Third Age by some, an Age yet to come, an Age long past, a wind rose in a galaxy far, far away. The wind was not a beginning. There are neither beginnings nor endings to the turning of the Wheel of Time. But it was a beginning.

Born among the stars of this galaxy, where the planetary forces and harsh vacuum of space can kill or make life with ease, where stars boiled and burned the wind blew past them all. To the swampy planet of Dagobah, where it swept up the lone Jedi Master there and his apprentice, to the giant Super Star Destroyer, Executor, where it swept up everyone there, from lowly stormtroopers to imperial officers to the Great Lord of the Sith himself. To the Nebulon-B frigate, the Redemption, where it swept up everyone there too, from Mon Mothma herself, all the Rebel Officers, including Ackbar himself, to the highly trained but still cannon fodder Rebel troopers. All was swept up, but the wind was not satisfied and it roamed out searching and found the fastest hunk of junk. Sweeping its occupants, the wind continued to Coruscant, its tall towers gleaming. The towers, taller than the Tower of Tar Valon, housed the most important man in this galaxy, but the wind did not pause and swept him away too. All was quiet in the far, far away galaxy for now and the wind blew on past the galaxy and slowly blew towards one place in the universe that could give the people from the far, far away galaxy a big headache, or would the people it had swept up give those people at that one place a bigger headache? Only Time would tell and it did not feel pretty communicative right now. So shrugging its Windy shoulders, it continued blowing towards Dragonmount.

The wind blew to Dragonmount, past the White Tower, blew past the Black Tower, the Fields where the Band was camped, the Forest of the Wolves, the Secret Hidden Base of the Freelanders, past Shayol Ghul, slowly randomly dumping its passengers off. Then the wind blew on, for there was no ending to the wind;it would return, but at its own leisure.

Arik

Arik Korpin stared at his plate in disgust. Chicken again, he thought. Maybe I should go for a walk. He left his study, this time through the main door, but decided against it. The Dark One take me, but it’s more fun to go out via the balcony. Slowly, he let himself out through the balcony, but lost his grip and fell down. Down and down he plunged, but just before he hit the ground, something stopped him and grabbed him and he landed with no more than a bump on the rump.

Rubbing his bump with his right hand, he looked around, trying to see who his rescuer was.

“Next time, I’ll try a rope instead of trying to climb out through the crevices,” he said wistfully, rubbing his aching butt. Something knocked him down. Arik groaned. He sat up, staring into his attacker, ready to seize saidin to defend himself and lost it as he stared into a green face, lined from the years, tufts of white hair around the scalp, huge eyes and large tufted ears. A baby Ogier, Arik thought. It must be, those ears…

“Do or do not; there is no try,” the green thing said. “Me Yoda, you? Jedi Master am I, train you I shall, but your name I know it not.”

“Yoda right?” Yoda nodded. “Ermm…I’m Arik Korpin, Soldier of the Black Tower and what exactly do you want to train me for?”

“Luke your name not, Arik it is, but train you I shall. Come, come.”

“Yoda? I’m quite capable of channeling saidin, so I don’t think I need the training.”

“Need no training you think, but do this you can?”

Slowly, a rock rose from the ground, floating and more and more rocks floated up. Arik stared at Yoda, whose eyes were closed and his hand was poised in the classic ‘I’m working powerful magic’ position. (Which meant the hand was opened and held out like it was grabbing something.) Arik could not feel saidin at all in Yoda. Nor could he feel any goose pimples.

“Umm, you must be female, right? You found someway to make it unable to detect saidar near a man right?” Arik asked and regretted it instantly as Yoda swung his walking stick, hitting Arik on the head. “Ouch! Hey, that hurts!”

Yoda stared at him. “Learn now you will? Yes? Yes, come, go to learn we will. Follow me.” Yoda said in his gravelly voice. He turned around, walking into the nearby Black Tower swamp, which was previously where the Cleaner of the Black Tower dumped all the chicken poop, and with the changing of the weather, the dry poop had mixed with it, and somehow, plant life managed to sprout, turning the area into a swamp, complete with smell.

Somehow, Arik got the feeling that swamps were a permanent part of Yoda’s life. He did not know why, but he felt insanely curious as to what the little green thingy could teach. He could already be mad, and could be seeing things, nevertheless, he was curious and Arik being Arik, shrugged his shoulders and followed Yoda. At least, wherever I’m going, there ain’t chickens.

IG-88

IG-88 walked past the White Tower message board, past the NPC novices and found to his dismay a message saying that the board was under the second breaking. Undeterred, IG-88 walked on to the next board, namely the Black Tower message board. Again it/he/she found the board down. (For simplicity I’m gonna use the male pronoun.) He stared at all the boards as he realised that all the boards were undergoing a second breaking. He overwrote his internal programming and began swearing in all six million languages. He took a while to finish, but when he was done, he discovered a message board that was operating. It was prone to randomly moving the postings all over the place, but it was functioning and everyone was using it.

He scrolled down past the irate complaints over the board, the angry rebuttals that came, the silly stories, searching for information on any jobs that he could do. Finally, he saw one.

J To All, I need someone to get rid of Sathinar…more Pigeon Keeper and Trainer
18/05/99 4:31 am

The list scrolled on and on, mainly denials; apparently no one wanted to get this Sathinar guy. Well, IG-88 would get him, he was the best and he always got his man. Clicking on the link, he opened up the message.

Name: Pigeon Keeper and Trainer

Email: PigeonsR_us@dragonmount.zzn.com

Subject: To All, I need someone to get rid of Sathinar…more

Website:

Urgent!!! Due to the recent hunger depravation that Sathinar experienced, the Pigeon lofts have been running out of pigeons. We are placing a bounty of 20k Tar Valon Gold Marks to the first person who stops Sathinar from rampaging through the reserve supply until our main banks are fully restocked.

Please! We want Sathinar alive! Apparently he serves a purpose;he culls our pigeons, so that you get the best pigeons we have to offer.

“Remember, if it ain’t a Trained Pigeon, it ain’t worth it.”

Pigeon Keeper and Trainer

Remember We want him ALIVE!

IG-88 stared at the e-mail. Well, it would be difficult to procure Sathinar alive, but he would get the job done. Plugging into his internal radar, IG-88 began scanning Dragonmount for Sathinar’s body heat pattern.

Then he realised that he did not have it.Oh well, looks like I have to do it the hard way. IG-88 walked out the White Tower, ignoring the stares that Lone Wolf, Ben T-Gaidin and Jona’tha gave. IG-88 had to work out a pattern for Sathinar movements. Feeling really happy, he almost whistled.

Lone Wolf OCC: Did I just see IG-88?

Lone Wolf IC: Hey! That isn’t Heron Marked ™!

Ben OCC: (mouth open, yet grinning at the same time; speechless)

Ben IC: (mouth open, yet grinning at the same time; speechless)

Jon’atha OCC: IG-88!!! IG-88!!! (Repeats ten or more times)

Jon’atha IC: *yawns* We have that in Shara. (then walks away bored)

Callandor

Callandor, Cleaner of the Black Tower, paused in his sweeping. Using a dustpan, he brushed the dirt using his Heron Mark ™ Cuendillar ™ broomstick. As he held the dustpan in his hand, ready to tip the contents into a garbage chute, he heard someone approaching. Turning around, he saw a lady dressed in white, with hair tied in two buns. His first thought was that she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Then he realised that Lanfear was the most beautiful person he had ever met. Utterly confused as to who this person was, he was about to ask her name when suddenly Shadowspawn in white ceramic armor came charging up with sticks that blazed red lightning. He was about to seize saidin to protect them both, when he felt someone kicking him into the chute.

“Into the garbage chute, flyboy,” Leia muttered, jumping in after Callandor.

Callandor plunged down into the unseen but not unsmelled depths of the garbage chute. Landing in last week’s supply of grape punch, he landed with a splash. He just managed to stand up when Leia, breaking her fall, rammed onto him.

“Hey thanks! Ehh! My silk white dress!!! Arghhh!!! It’s ruined!!!” Leia screamed in horror as her white silk dress slowly turned purple, absorbing the punch.

“Umm… Whoever you are, I wouldn’t scream so loud if I were you,” Callandor whispered uneasily. “There’s rumor of the monster the M’Hael keeps down here to get rid of the garbage.”

“Okay then,” Leia whispered back, getting the hint. (Being the heroine, she had a lot of experience in the ‘monsters can appear anywhere and when someone tells you about one, listen to him/her/it!’ thing) “My name’s Leia. You wouldn’t be by any chance to be Luke or Obi Wan or Han?”

“Umm, no. Never heard of them. I’m Callandor, pleased to meet you Leia.”

“Oh drats, so anyway, you’re a hero, right? You’ll get us out of here in one piece, right?”

Callandor shifted his feet uneasily, not looking at Leia. Whistling. And generally feeling Out of Place.

“Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Look at me! (faint melody of Geri Spice’s new single; not that I like it, but well, it’s a silly story) Okay, on second thought, don’t look at me.” Leia sighed; she hated being the heroine, it was a risky and low paid job;the things she did for George Lucas. She sighed again. Then she noticed that Callandor’s whistling was getting louder. “Stop whistling! The monster!”

Startled, Callandor stopped whistling, but it was too late. Out of the shadows, a large monstrous figure arose out of the inky blackness. Its comb was red, its body was white with splotches of purple near the bottom. Its yellowed clawed feet somehow retained its original color. And its sharp piercing beak gave Leia shivers. Callandor positioned himself in front of Leia, clutching his Heron Mark™ Unbreakable™ Cuendillar™ broomstick.

“Fear not, oh fairest of the ladies I know, I shall defend you with my life!” Callandor said heroically. (Basically everyone could be a hero, it just depended on the current testosterone level. Right now, Callandor could have gone to Shayol Ghul and faced the Dark One. Why? Because Leia was pinching his butt. Hey, it’s my story. Heh Heh… )

The Rooster of the Black Tower, mutated beyond belief, took a step forward, ready for battle with this erstwhile hero. To make things worse, the walls of the garbage compartment began closing. (Yep, like in the movie..heh heh)

Hawkwing

Hawkwing was guzzling his third can of beer when he felt a tremor in the taint. Somehow the taint on saidin was responding to some nearby evil. Sathinar! was Hawkwing’s first thought, but then he realised that Sathinar was merely insane not evil. Wrapping his black silk cloak around his black silk shirt complete with silk collars and slightly stained from spilled beer, Hawkwing stood up, brushing imaginary dirt from his black silk pants. Adjusting both the silver sword and gold Dragon pins, he poised in the Leopard on the Tree sword form, ready to meet the source of the evil.

Wrapped in the Void, ready to channel, Hawkwing heard it. He heard it before he heard the footsteps. A heavy wheezing breath being drawn into lungs that could not work. He spun around, and saw something in a obsidian mask, the dark globes of polished blackness where the eyes should be stared at him. Completely dressed in shiny black armor, except for the chest, which had a plate sticking out and it, was in funny colors. Hawkwing had never seen those sigils before. He could not for the life of him, figure out what House this person was from.

The stranger did give him time to think. Holding a metal cylindrical shaft in his right hand, he held it out in front of him. Hawkwing imitated him, except that his hand was empty. Seizing saidin, he stood ready to channel the flow of Fire that would make the Heron Mark™ blade appear. With a snap-hiss, the lightsaber flashed out. Green blade humming and glowing in the semi-darkness. Cool, Hawkwing thought and channeled and the sword appeared. The stranger appeared startled, but he swung his lightsaber at Hawkwing. Parting the Silk met lightsaber downward slash and as power-blade met laser-blade, sparks flew out and both blades sizzled from the different fields.

Hold it a minute stranger, who are you and why are you attacking me?” Hawkwing asked as both jumped back, but still watching each other warily.

“I am Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith, I will bring you to see the Emperor. He will teach you the powers of the Dark Side. By now, you should know that your powers are nothing compared to the powers of the Dark Side,” the stranger said in a deep resonant voice.

Hawkwing stared as Darth Vader made his speech. This guy is one completely whacked out dude, but his sword work is damn good. And Hawkwing moved. Boar Rushing Down The Mountain met lightsaber parry and the lightsaber counterstroke met The Courtier Taps His Fan. Three more rounds later, with both combatants blades pushing against each other, Hawkwing stood face to face with Darth Vader.

“Impressive. Obi Wan has taught you well.”

Light! What was this idiot talking about? Vader pushed, using his enhanced strength to push Hawkwing back. Vader grinned behind his mask. He would turn this one yet. And stared confused as Hawkwing suddenly grinned and charged him. The River Undercuts the Bank met a lightsaber block as the Force told him how to when to place his lightsaber to block and he slashed viciously at Hawkwing, who blocked with Folding the Fan. Caught up in the battle (the truth was too many beers had given Hawkwing the ability to become berserk, and well, he now became berserk.), Hawkwing completely forgotten about using the One Power to fireball Vader to Shayol Ghul. Vader, however, had not forgotten about using the Force.

Jabba the Hutt

Jabba floated into the White Tower on his repulsorlift chair, too many years of eating bugs, worms and generally alive and wriggly creatures had given the Great One a desire for normal food. His nose told him that whatever was coming from that study was positively delicious. Salicious Crumb, sitting around next to his tail, was sniggering away happily. Salicious could give Sathinar a run for his money in the mad laughter contest. As he floated towards the room with the smell, a human suddenly appeared in front of him. Ignoring her, he pumped his repulsorlift chair to ramming speed.

Chissa stared as the giant slug on the floating platform charged towards her, opening herself to saidin, she channeled a weave of air to block the slug. The ram collided with a loud clang, followed by one loud thud and a smaller squish-thud, as first Jabba crashed into the Air wall, then Salicious Crumb crashed into Jabba. A Gateway opened and out stepped Ishamael. Chissa stared at Ishy, for she knew that he had no business here.

“A jo-car? In this Age?” Ishamael spluttered in shock. “Mine, Fat Slug!” Seizing the True Power, he grabbed the repulsorlift platform and stepped back through the Gateway. The Gateway closed after. He did not notice that Salicious Crumb was still clinging on the repulsorlift platform.

Jabba was really having a bad day and all he wanted was the food he had been smelling since he arrived. Stupidly ramming into Chissa’s still active wall, he made a really loud ruckus.

Kathana Justinia Trevalaer, The Amyrlin Seat came out of her study, disturbed by the noise. Holding the Spoon ™ with one hand, petting an ewok with another, the Amyrlin made a formidable figure; one to make thrones tremble (with laughter), which Jabba did.

“Ho! Ho! Ho!” Jabba laughed loudly in his booming voice. Smelling the remnants of the chocolate pudding on the Spoon ™, he charged uselessly into the wall. “Gombea foota puddingerly!”

“You know, Mother, I think the slug said something about pudding,” Chissa said, still staring at Jabba.

“Chumpawanba!” said Wicket, as he grabbed the spoon and began licking it.

“Okay, furry thingy. I may have seen Episode 4, 5 and 6, but there’s no way I’m gonna take that kind of language from you. Now either give me back my Spoon ™ or I’m calling Sathinar,” Mother threatened the ewok. “And I need someone who knows how to translate Huttese!”

Chissa stared in rapid astonishment as the ewok first shuddered in horror, then it returned the Spoon™ and then a golden metallic entity stepped out of the depths of the Hall.

Greetings, I am C3-PO, protocol droid…”

“Shut up, Threepio! Just translate what the Fat One wants!” Mother, experienced with dealing with the prissy protocol droid, due to watching the trilogy, cut in into Threepio’s famous speech.

“Did someone call me?” Sathinar began and paused as he saw Wicket. Licking his lips, he pulled out his Dagger™ and began stalking Wicket. Wicket began gibbering in terror.

“Look here Sathy, there’s more ewoks around, but this is mine! Understand!” Eyes blazing, The Amyrlin Seat looked fit to really take it to Sathinar. Sensing this, Sathinar beat a hasty retreat. “Now, Threepio, translate!”

“His Excellency, Jabba the Hutt, bids a good day to you all and requires some pudding in exchange for his protection. He assures that if he gets his pudding, he will call off his Gamorrean soldiers in attacking the Black Tower.”

“Did he say all that? In that language?”

“No, not really, your Seatness. He said that if he doesn’t get his pudding, he’ll blow up the Black Tower.”

“Whadya mean Black Tower? This is the WHITE Tower.”

“If I may say so, Hutts are notoriously color blind.”

So you mean to say right now a bunch of pig-like soldiers are headed this way?”

“No, your Seatness. Gamorreans are not color blind.”

“Oh Light! Tell him he gets his pudding, but only one bowl.”

IG-88 chose this moment during the translations to step in. “Has anyone seen Sathinar?” He nodded his head in thanks, as everyone including Jabba and Wicket pointed absently in one direction. Right now, the ensuring Bargain between Jabba and the Seat took up everyone’s attention. Feeling a little miffed, the only bounty hunting droid in DM felt ignored and so IG-88 left.

“Your Seatness, Jabba says he can out eat you and if he does so, you’ll have to give him the Pudding Maker™, put on a metal bikini, wear a chain connected to him and you’ll have to sit next to him and he gets to lick you when he feels like it.” Jabba stuck out his tongue.

Chissa paled at the sight of the tongue and fled back into her quarters. Kathana endured it stoically. She did wear the stole of the Amyrlin Seat after all.

“And what if he loses?”

“HO! HO! HO!” came the booming laughter.

“His Excellency says that you can tie a chain around him, will wear a metal bikini, will give you anything you desire most and let you lick him as and when you like.”

Kathana’s face grew remarkably pale, but a Bargain was a Bargain and she had never lost a pudding-eating contest before. Unknotting Chissa’s weave, she walked over to Jabba, spitted on her palm and held it out for Jabba to shake. Jabba stared at her, then licked the hand that was offered. And so the Bargain was made.

Matalina and Alosha

Matalina paused, slowly walking out into the forest. Enjoying the sights and sounds of nature, she was at peace with herself. Therefore, she was startled when she heard a loud roar heading in her direction. She quickly stood up, hand ready to draw her blade, when she saw a large hairy brown creature run past her. The creature was being chased by Alosha herself. The Aes Sedai stopped running as she entered the clearing, but did not even look at Matalina. Her eyes were focused on the creature and they were shining with a strange gleam.

“Alosha, what are you doing?”

“Go away, Mat. I’m busy.”

“Yes, I can see that. Well, but what exactly are you doing?”

“Isn’t it obvious? Big hairy creature, lots of FUR™!”

“Fur!” Matalina turned around, staring at Chewbacca, who by now had a really bad feeling. Strange urges erupted into Matalina’s consciousness, strange thoughts of how she would look in a fur coat. How soft the coat would feel against her skin. How grand she would be, the best-looking Warder ever. With a feral gleam in her eyes, she turned towards Chewbacca, thoughts of protecting the poor Wookie forgotten. Alosha, too, with only one thing on her mind, (fur) did not use the One Power at all. Gathering up her skirts, she began her Hunt. Together with Matalina, both of these two women began chasing Chewie. And Chewie ran for his life.

Taimandred, Arik and Yoda

Taimandred stared at the chicken cage he was holding up with the Force. He had done it! He had tapped into the power-source that his little sister had tried to, failed and had freed the Dark One. He had beaten his sister! He wouldn’t go mad after all, he could use an alternate Power and not touch the tainted saidin. He would miss the rush of life that saidin provided, but at least he could sit around and watch all the male channelers go of their bonkers while he still remained sane. He would beat even Phoenix, unless of course, Phoenix cleansed saidin. Taimandred sat there, contemplating, not noticing the arrival of Yoda and Arik.

Arik trailed behind Yoda, feeling utterly miserable. Somehow, Yoda seemed to know when Arik channeled to filter the smell away from the air around him, and he always ended up with a walking stick to his knees. His knees hurt real bad. He hoped that he wouldn’t get any penance that involved kneeling. He prayed real hard to the Creator. As Arik walked into the clearing in the swamp, he failed to notice the Taimandred sitting there quietly. His eyes were on the cage of Black Tower Chickens™, floating in mid-air. Arik could not see the weaves of saidin that held it. He looked wildly around and saw only Taimandred.

“Taimandred! Hello? HELLO?”

Startled out of his post-celebrations plans, Taimandred let go of the Force and dropped the cage. The cage opened and the chickens flew out. Arik was standing there staring at the chickens in utter horror. Taimandred wasn’t very pleased. He had just gone to the part when all the Aes Sedai in the White Tower started fawning over him as the last surviving member of the Black Tower.

“What is it, Arik?” Noticing Yoda, he stood up, brushing carefully at the dirt on his brown cloak. “Greetings, Master Yoda. My training is now complete. I’ll begin my protection of the Queen.”

Yoda nodded absently. Waving his walking stick at an annoying chicken that was trying to peck him, he could not be more concerned. Arik, however, noticed the brown cloak. Pointing one finger at Taimandred, he could barely gasp out the word “Brown?!”

“Oh, this? A Jedi Knight has to wear a brown cloak. They look pretty stupid in black.”

Arik again managed to gasp out “Asha’man?!” (Clapping is heard for Arik’s achievement.)

“Umm… Maybe I still am, but for now, I’m a Jedi.” Taimandred said as he straightened his cloak. “Oh, Arik? Study hard. Bye! Got to go.”

Saying this, Taimandred seized saidin and weaved a Gateway to Cairhien. The Gateway winked out.

Arik could only stare. Until Yoda whacked him again with his walking stick.

“First lesson you learn? Yes, yes? Catch clucky things you shall.” As Arik stood ready to channel, Yoda waved his walking stick threateningly. “No cheating.” Arik let go immediately of the Source. He sighed heavily, then began clucking and held out his hands to catch the chickens.

“Start with this one,” Yoda commanded, pointing at the chicken that he had unsuccessfully stopped from pecking at him. Arik sighed. It was going to be a real long day.

The Emperor, His Hand and His Ass.

Phoenix was as usual, staring glued to the computer screen when he felt a Gateway beginning to open. Seizing saidin, he stood prepared to blast whoever that entered if the person did not have an appointment.

To his utter disappointment at not being able to blast the bugger; it was Demandred, all dressed up and ready for their JK (Jedi Knight, Dark Forces 2) match. Demandred was dressed in a typical Dark Jedi outfit, complete with obsidian mask (which he wasn’t wearing, as his suit did not come with automated breathing).

“Ready?” Phoenix asked.

“All set,” said Demandred, as his voice plunged deep a la Darth Vader.

How did you do that?” Phoenix asked, curious.

“Oh, just channel Air and Fire just so,” and as he showed Phoenix, his voice deepened again.

“Ooooo, that rocks! Hmm, I think I will do that the next time I intend to irritate the Asha’man.”

“Just remember to invert your weaves, or they’ll go round with the Voice™.”

Phoenix nodded, understanding what Demandred hinted at. He would not let the Asha’man run wild with that Skill. It would be too much to handle. Boy, would I scare the breeches off them tomorrow at the Annual Asha’man Dinner and Dance.

As both computer systems booted up, both felt a dark presence slowly walking in their direction. Both looked away from their computers and both their Jedi fell into a wind tunnel and got chopped into itsy bitsy bits.

“That match doesn’t count.” Demandred said peevishly, a little irritated.

Phoenix nodded in agreement and both of them stood facing the doorway, awaiting the arrival of the presence.

“I see you are prepared, my young whatever your job description is (Jedi?),” Emperor Palpatine said in the gravelly pinched voice of his. “And now, you will submit to my will and power alone, or I will destroy you with the True Power of the Dark Side.”

Phoenix and Demandred stared in both horrid fascination and astonishment. The Emperor himself! And there they both were fighting among themselves when they had a true competitor. It was a dream come true for both Phoenix and Demandred. For Phoenix, it was similar to fighting the Dark One, except that well, he did not have to wait for RJ to write it out. For Demandred, it would be like challenging the Dark One himself and replacing himself as the True Lord of Darkness. Of course I can’t win, in case the Dark One himself was reading this silly story. It did pay to be a bit prudent sometimes.

Flanking the Emperor were two figures of unknown origin and as they threw back their hoods, Demandred couldn’t help gasping. One of them was Lanfear.

“This is Mara Jade, my Hand, she will ensure you do not cheat in the battle,” the Emperor grinned evilly. “This, as you have already recognized, is my Ass. Lanfear, lastly known as a Chosen. And when I beat you both, Dragonmount shall be mine and all will be remade in my image alone. Mwa Ha Ha HA HA HA!”

“Wait a minute there, Palpy. I’ve got a question, oh Great One,” sarcasm apparent in Demandred’s voice.

“What is it, Demmy?”

Hearing that, Demandred leaped forth, ready to smash the Emperor down. Mara Jade strode forward, lightsaber in her hand and ignited in one swift movement. Seeing the look and the glowing blade, he decided that non-violence was the ‘in’ thing.

“Don’t call me Demmy!” he demanded in a choked voice.

“Don’t call me cake and I won’t call you cookie,” said the Emperor happily, delighted that he could use that Phrase™. “Now, what is your question?”

“Ok,” Demandred said evenly. “Lanfear is your Ass?”

“No! You are a fool and always were, Demandred!” Lanfear shouted back, hotly, angry at being called anyone’s, even the Emperor’s rear. She was about to go on, when a look from the Emperor quelled her.

If you have notice the full stop…” Demandred and Phoenix nodded. “It’s a short form for Assistant.” Looks of comprehension both dawned on Demandred and Phoenix. “Can we continue our battle now, my young whatever your job description is (Jedi?)?” Demandred and Phoenix nodded again. “Then let it begin. May the best Jedi Knight player win.”

Demandred and Phoenix looked at each other, eyebrows moving up and down, communicating via the lost language of the Eyebrow™.

Demandred: What a Sucker!

Phoenix: Doesn’t he know we’re the best?

Demandred: Guess not!

Then they both grinned evilly.

Callandor
Dedicated Cleaner of the Black Tower
Worst Male Channeler Ever
Bonded to Novam Sedai
Holder of the Cuendillar Broomstick
Official Black Tower Welcomer

OOC: *shudders* I am a not English or grammar wizard, so bear with me. *s*

The Wheel of Time turns, etc.

************

Arik Korpin stretched his arms wide and yawned as he woke up outside his Study, in the Black Tower Halls for a change. The sun shone through the high arched windows and hit him in the middle of his face… Some of the Soldiers were hurrying past him with a worried glance now and then, carrying their stuff including books, nets, and frying-pans. A rooster crowed from high upstairs.

He could feel something strange lying all over him and he had this… mysterious subflavor of chicken in his mouth… and in addition, he felt awfully warm besides from the sun. He had had another dream, which this time had consisted of him being a bird, running wildly from Aes Sedai in filmy dresses waving with forks and knives. It made no sense, as did nothing else in Silly Stories™… Now, where did that thought come from for example…?

He rubbed the sleep out of his tired, redlined eyes, grabbing for his black blanket to drag himself up for a new daring day. Suddenly, without warning, he was face to face with a dreadful, beaked monster. It stared fiercely at him, cackled horribly and started to peck his hands as he grabbed for an egg mistakenly. Surreal pain flushed through him and the screech could be heard for miles away…

“Señor! I heard your scream!” Consuela, Arik’s handy maid came to his rescue as always. That was the reason why she was handy.

“Oh Creator! No more chickens for you! Your mental health!”

The chicken leaped away when Consuela ran closer. Folding her skirts neatly, she bent down to pick up the eggs, and laid them in a knitted basket she carried with her all the time. One would never know when one found use of it here in the Black Tower.

In the meantime, Arik was trying to creep backwards up against the wall, face drawn from fear. Concerned, the maid took a peek at his eyes with a small flashlight, pushing up both of his lids to see if there was anything that showed signs of insanity or freshly squeezed madness.

She found nothing more than the usual… His pupils were divided by a sinuous line, the half black, and the other half white. Was it a sign of deriving foolishness subsequent from chickens or was it heavy mint abuse? Or could it be something completely different…?

“I believe they started to fumigate the rooms just in time… One more day, Señor, and you would have gone minty fresh! Is there any way I can help at all…?”

His eyes hit back and forth, twisted in a loop, tied a knot, continued inwards, and settled as he slowly straightened himself and produced a block of yellowish paper, together with a feather pen. It was slightly unbearable, but it helped him in some way. The writing did; it dimmed the effect of the feather-fright as good as therapy, whatever that was.

“I think that I… will write another story…” He sighed, forgetting himself for a moment as he put the pen tip in his mouth. Consuela laid a soothing hand on his shoulder to prevent fulminating hyperventilation.

“No, Señor! Look what happened the last time! That left you wearing this cloak! Now what will happen if you go once more? You ate the notes, so I understand if you do not remember it, but what I tell you is true! There will only be more pain and suffering!”

“The notes…were tasty… which is more than I can say about the rest of the food around here. But I cannot hide any longer… There MUST be another story. Then, and only then, will I find true peace… Plus, it would only be cool with a trilogy!” He gave a wide grin, and it deepened as a chicken leapt up on his shoulders.

“Oh dear… I doubt that strongly, Señor… Very strongly…”

*******************

Standing in front of the Gates of the White Tower, Arik could hear a strange voice in his head. It told him fervently that this was not the right thing to do; that this was a trap and that he would regret it for the rest of his life… Like if it wasn’t doomed anyway…

He knew there were many in the Black Tower who had roommates, but he just had his Voice. This was fair enough; they shared the same interests and had their amount of fights, just like real roommates. The difference was that their conflicts seemed to draw a wider audience than the others, meaning wider in the sense of more. True enough, there were those Soldiers who had a sweet tooth for chocolate eggs with egg liqueur, but those were more reserved people. Strange eggs…

They had met each other a couple of years ago, Arik and his Voice, when he had come to the Tower for the very first time after learning of his sickly tainted abilities. The Voice, or Hector, as his name was, had been there several years already. In the beginning, he had not been lucky finding a suiting apartment; all were taken. Then, when he met Arik, he had insisted to pay rent once every other month, but like the nice guy Arik was, he offered a room for free. From that day on, they had been very close friends…

“Arik…? Señor, are you feeling well? You don’t look like it… Ah, I knew this was a bad idea all alo… What?! Oh, that is a disgusting thing for you to say!”

“But… But… Consuela, that was not me! It was my Voice! I mean… in my head! See?”

Arik knocked his head to produce a hollow sound and exclaimed an “Ouch!”

“See? He doesn’t like that all too well!”

“Very funny of you, Señor… But that is not the way it works!”

“It works for me that way…!”

He ran after Consuela as she entered the White Tower with small but quick steps. He felt uneasy… That was part because of his new cloak, which the maid had found in a local shop somewhere. It had a cool imprint, saying ‘Darth Asha’man’, though it did not help to think about that nor the heron marked collar…

Also, there was something about the White Tower that seemed to bring vague bad-bad memories… If he only hadn’t knocked his head so hard in the walls all the time… Aahh…. There was… something… filmy…

Consuela herself wore a nice red filmy dress with pearl stitches. She had stated that it was to turn the attention away from Arik’s cloak. Not to her dress, but simply away from them. There was nothing unusual with filmy dresses in the Tower; either of them. Although everyone know servants and maids hunger for public attention and would do anything just to get a pic taken…

“Look, Señor!” She pointed at an enormous placard with heavy black writings, nailed to the shiny Walls of the Halls, just inside the Gates, more precisely the left Wall, five inches beneath halfway up to the high Roof. “Refund Sales! At the Library! I have to go there, Señor! I have to! It is so… uhm… neat! They serve Mint Beverages, with umbrellas… Umbrellas, Señor!” She shook him violently. “And they have these teeny tiny chocolates… Oh, and they’ve got lots of meaningful books! Yes! Yes, many books…”

“Oh, um… Okaaay… But don’t stay too long… This place, you know… There is s…”

“Yes! Refund Sales! Bye bye!”

As she ran down the Floor of the Halls, her pink shopping bag flew behind her. Then she disappeared up a Stair. Arik decided to look around a bit and he let out a little squeak of distress along the way to match his mood.

In a nearby corner, three NPC novices were sitting, their full attention on something Arik could not see clearly. Once in a while, they were gasping audibly, having that shocked look in their eyes as if they had just found the Amyrlin herself being a pudding fraud. Feeble attempts at quelling the noises they made were rather unavailing nevertheless, the same as one would expect by someone finding out the Amyrlin herself was a pudding fraud…

Serafelle, the Head of the Brown sisters was just descending from a clear white Stair, graciously, when she caught sight of the novices. There was no real problem to understand. She had not slept for days. Her hair was completely tangled and the choice of footwear; bunny slippers, was a certain sign in the White Tower of sleeplessness…

The novices, who all got up from the Floor very quickly to welcome and scrape before Serafelle, concealed whatever it was they had been attentive at earlier behind their back, apparently looking as innocent as they could manage to be. One of them even heaved her eyebrows in a simple manner to show a fake, clueless nature to what was supposed to be so wrong.

“You three there! You are hiding something from me! Let me see it right now!”

The girls made an effort not to giggle, and pressed themselves against the Wall. But Serafelle was famous for her scent for bad books; mainly because they reeked of Cheese ‘n’ Mint (which is a COMPLETELY different story) and swirled one of the novices around to snatch a book the young girl was holding in her hands away.

The Brown’s eyes nearly popped out of her head when she discovered which book it was…

“‘The Joy of Being Aes Sedai’! My Creator! This book is NOT for little novices like you! Light and flaming Light! You must surely be punished for this! And you must swear…” she ripped the book in two, receiving a satisfied look to her eyes, sickly mixed with a touch of sadness for one second, but then she was serious again… “… swear, that you will NEVER… EVER… reveal the content of this book to other novices! Do you even understand what you have done at all? This is sealed to the Ring, and only to the Ring! And I am not making the rules here, so no one really knows! So confusing… Oh, what shall I ever do with you three?” she groaned. “Oh no, oh no… Not that… But Light, I have no other choice…”

She reached her hand down one of her pockets and when it came up again, her palm held forward three authentically made rings, three small Great Serpents symbolizing time and eternity without end. Glistening like a spark, much the same way Lanfir’s eyes did after another successful bonding, the reflection was overwhelming. The white clad girls looked like they had been taking too many happy drugs… They jumped around, waving grandly and shouting that they would choose the Green™ Ajah.

Arik still heard Serafelle cursing as he rounded another Corner…

A peculiar looking woman, whom Arik would not have identified as the slightly wacky Silver Sedai had it not been for the blue silk dress, for once not a filmy one, closed the door behind her as she left a room. She looked fairly disturbed, but there were these things on her back… It seemed to be a pair of wings. They had been roughly cut out from weekly newspapers, then glued to her with glue…

“Happy day, happy day… La la… What…? STOP THERE, REBEL SCUM!”

She had caught eye of Arik in his cloak and was moving threateningly towards him, like a lion prepared to attack its prey… Or an Amyrlin prepared to eat pudding.

“What? Rebel scum? But this is a Sith™ cloak!”

Silver stopped short for a moment. “Oh… But… It sounded so cool and I have always wanted to say that… Well, anyway… Can I call you evil thingy?”

“Sure, but… I mean… NO! This is not my cloak! See!” He turned around, revealing the ‘Darth Asha’man’ imprint. “My maid bought it at this crappy shop! I have no idea why!”

“Hmm… You sound really familiar, you know… Are you sure you are not a…”

“Trust me, I am not… If you would please excuse me now.” He walked past her, with an arrogant appearance mainly for no particular reason…

“Wait! Do you want to go fly? It is really fun when it works! Have to work on that though… You wouldn’t happen to have a starship by any chance?!?”

But Arik had already put his mind on something else… There seemed to be lots of commercials hanging around on Walls in this part of the Tower. Such were: ‘Join the Shadow, receive a Forsaken-Of-Your-Choice-Pin for free’… and then of course the phone number… or ‘The Chicken Keg. We Feed You’ That one made Arik retch intensely, with a not so soon recovery. ‘Game of the Houses, complete with board, dices, chips and 50 NEW questions’… Yeah, right…

In addition, many posters also decorated this section, and they all seemed to have the same message… ‘Life Time O’ Fun this way’. Well, he had to admit, it made him curious… They had these neat little arrows also, so he decided to follow…

Rounding another one of the poster-marked Corners, he saw the most eccentric thing he had ever seen in the span of two fully self-written Silly Stories™, except for some minor exceptions… Of course.

Far down the hall, it seemed like almost every last one of the Green™ Ajah Members were gathered, whispering and giggling amongst themselves. A huge banner spread itself from one end of the Hall to the other and it read ‘Once-In-A-Lifetime-Experiences Here’ in big mint letters.

There had been built something with the appearance of a primitive box, just tall enough to house one person at a time, and there were fences, barb wires and surveillance cameras (web-cams) all over the place, most likely delivered to them by the Tower Safety Rental team. And in front of this box, a long row of men stood, holding their queue tickets while being waited on by Aes Sedai in various filmy dresses.

A blonde woman stood in the middle of it all, pen behind her ear, shouting up numbers from a long list. She looked casually smart, but in between she couldn’t help herself laughing. Arik decided to walk over and see what the fuss was all about…

“Leane…? Where is Leane…? Oh, there you are, dear… Let us see now… Did you by chance take client thirty-seven? Good, good… You can have number forty-six then… Yes, I know you can’t wait, dear… F… Yes, just be patient now! FORTY-SIX! YOUR TURN! Ok, next! Ciara, didn’t I tell you not to sneak in line?!? Geez, some never learn… Ok, I’ll let you in this time, but that’s the last one for you now… What? No, you can’t have the leftovers… We are decent women, remember? We don’t go by such simple methods…”

As number 46, whom by the way was wearing a yellow shirt and black breeches for those particularly interested, entered the box, Morgan Sedai hurried behind it. A faint shout which seemed to be ‘For the Sake of the Light. No, no, for the Sake of the Light… Argh!’, could be heard and then Morgan stepped out from the box, looking really satisfied with herself. Leane, who came out of nowhere leaped on her, and they started to fight over something Arik could not understand what was…

Mudwrestling! “Will you just shut up!?”

The next man was already on his way in, the poor fool, as Lanfir, who was the Aes Sedai in charge, started to look Arik up and down with a Green Glint™ to her eyes…

“My…” she said with a devious smile… “We’ve never had visits from a real Sith™ Lord before… What an honor it would be if you will please take a ticket and step into the line…” She had major problems holding her hands away from him… “There are… grapes in it for you, you know…”

“Uhm… I… I…I think I have to go now… I just found I had something else to do…” He turned, but she took a hold of him.

“Why? No, you are staying right here with us…” A pair of cuffs locked themselves around his wrists… Oh, I remember this!

“Light, no! I haven’t got time for this!”

“Wait, dearie!!! Drat! I have to remember next time… One on his wrist, one on mine… One on his, one on mine… Why do I keep forgetting that…?”

He got away just in time before she managed to throw herself all over him, as if a bad matter of repetition. There was more trouble ahead though, as he heard a deeper, darker and pudding muffled voice in front of him…

“Mauly, there you are, dear!” The Amyrlin stomped over to him; the Halls shook from the restrain and drew him close to her, while whispering,

“I have received orders from our… ” She looked around, going once, going twice…”… Master… Ah, you know who I mean… He says that the enemy is on the break of defeat and that we can launch our attacks tonight… You are to return to the Star Destroyer and report to your Commander. MWAHAHAHAHA! I can picture the sweet squadrons of TIE Interceptors now, blowing everything to…”

“I… can… hardly… breathe…! No…. air….! OOF!”

The Amyrlin threw him from her tight bosom death grip into the Wall and gave him one of those Amyrlinish stares she always performed whenever she wanted to.

“Dear, you sound different… Have you eaten too many Mint cupcakes? And what’s up with the cuffs? Which both remind me, where are those…”

“Actually, I’m…”

“What!? Again!? I cannot believe it! This is the third time Lanfir holds those stupid Bonding Contests™!”

Hands on hips, she had just discovered Lanfir and the Gang…

“I know they are Green™, but there IS almost always a limit! Right, dear?”

“Bonding Contests…?”

“…™, Yup… I don’t know exactly how they work… The last one who passes out wins or something like that at least…”

She shook her head, licked clean a plastic spoon and shouted for Lanfir to meet in her study at 10PM sharp. Lanfir pretended she did not hear, only to upset the Mother even more…

“WELL, I’VE NEVER!!! Does she think I wave around with this feathery boa for zilch?! Mauly, dear, see if you can’t use some of those dark evil powers of yours on that shameless woman… Mauly? Oh, and where IS my High pudding anyways?”

Arik fled down the quite obviously vivid Halls of the White Tower. He had to try to find Consuela and get out of there before he bumped into anyone else. There were no limits as to what might happen next… He wanted to visit Siuan, but he knew she would freak out if she saw his hair, or the cuffs for that sake. Too many thoughts were rushing through his head for him to channel them off… The cuffs, that was…

Strangely enough, the Halls seemed to get darker the further he ran. Cute little lamps, hanging from the Ceiling, had vanished at the last Junctures and arched windows giving off bright sunlight along with them. No novices rumbled the Halls around here. A pair of Doors slid up not far in front of him, making a swishing sound.

Flanked by two men in bright white armor, a man of shadow stepped out. In slashing contrast to his guards, for that was what Arik thought they might be, the man was wearing black armor, like never seen before.

Arik fell to his knees with folded hands. You do that a lot, don’t you? “Creator, the prophecies were true! The Dark One has returned! Only the Light can spare us now! Howl and cry, howl and cry!”

The man tilted his head and spoke with a voice so that it sounded as if he were having problems breathing properly. Of course, it was logical… The dust must really gather in a prison after so many years.

“What an odd little man you are… Wearing that cloak, I could almost have mistaken you for being a Sith™ Lord, had it not been for the lousy resemblance… Damnit, I knew I shouldn’t have let the helmsman drink that last bottle! Tell me where we are and you may go. And call me master! Such failures will only bring you pain!”

His hand rose, forming a grip. Arik could feel his throat tighten together. Still, the dark figure looked dissatisfied and puzzled, as if he had just thrown a piece of meat to a hungry lion and the lion refused to even look at it… Or a glob of pudding to an Amyrlin, it went for the same thing…

“The force is strong in you… Do you by any chance know a con man named Luke Skywalker? We were keeping him hostage, but he escaped. I mean to make him regret it… Besides, I have a shocking and important message for him!!!”

“Luke?” Arik raised an eyebrow and the black armored man nodded approvingly.

“And his sister, Leia… ” Suddenly he growled. “But do not tell him that!! It is a secret he has yet to learn!”

“O….kay… I didn’t know Luke had such a corny last name or even a sister… Would you care to take mine instead? See, if you follow the Hall to its end and turn left? She’s supposed to be there, only, watch out for…”

“ENOUGH! You do know Luke, do you?”

“Sure, he’s a member of the Black Tower and so am I! But why would you want…?”

“The Black Tower?” The man rubbed a hand along his metal plate. “Have the great Jedi built themselves another Council? Can it be…? Or has he kept something from me, the scrimpy old man!” Lowering the feeble hand, dressed in a… spiffy black glove, he abruptly held a rod of light, a light brighter than bright (and man was that bright) in his hand.

Arik gasped, and literally groveled at the floor, taking enough advantage of the situation to eat s’mores from it at the same time. “The Light have mercy, the Dragon Reborn has been defeated and the Black Man wields Callandor! The Creator shelter us and…”

“What are you babbling about?” He coughed, and the light disappeared. “I do not have the nerves for such fools as yourself! You said you were of this Black Tower! So take me to your master!!! Which I am, but your other master… Get the idea?”

The guards marched forth and removed his cuffs with a method most intricately done, by rays of solid light. Arik touched his wrists, and looked disbelievingly up at them. “A machine that makes balefire! Light and more light!” Another one of those ter’angreals…

The black man, as Arik liked (well, not liked, but preferred… well… not… Ah, anyways) to call him, barked a laugh, then flung himself into some serious coughing attacks. “It is not… Light… but…. the Dark… Ah, take him… away!”

Arm in arm, which reminded him of the annual Sunday dance with his sister home in Caemlyn, though more pleasant in a way, the guards took him away, heading for wherever he led them, and that was straight for the Green™ Ajah’s Bonding Contest shack….

*********************

Lanfir was getting tired of reading names off a list, while all of her fellow Sisters were striding around, singing or chanting bonding-psalms, sipping their tea or other intoxicating drinks and stepping in and out of a big box. Two of the Sisters were still rolling on the floor, trying to home more punches at one another. Around them in a ring stood several of their newly appointed warders, unsure of what to make of the situation. Lanfir quickly handed them a free ‘bonding-facts-and-false brochure’ each, but that only seemed to deepen their frowns.

Leaned against a Wall, five other sisters were swinging a big bottle of mint tonic around in circles, telling coarse jokes and laughing raucously at them.

Yveva had managed to get tangled in with the Greens™ somehow. She had specified her astonishment over the ritual called bonding, and decided that she wanted to study it more carefully. Lanfir could have sworn she had seen Yveva inside that hut like thing more than once today, but the woman showed no obvious signs of it. Until then, Lanfir had nothing to directly confront her with.

Therefore, she had laid the devious plan of getting Yveva really, really drunk. Soon enough, men were bound to start stumbling around and they would have to be the unlucky ones…

The Head of the Green Ajah was in deep thoughts and barely lifted her head as the Sith™ Lord and three strangely armored men came walking along the Hall towards her. Turning around to hide it, she sprayed herself gently with half a bottle Eau de Mint and met them with a smile.

“Well hello there, stranger…. I see you returned and brought a few fr…”

“Are you a Jedi Knight?”

The figure dressed all in black metallic armor spoke with a deep clear voice, but at the same time as if he was getting insufficient supplies of air. His personal guards, for that was what she thought they must be, pointed at her with some mysterious devices. Yveva was also looking at them with interest.

“Whatever it is I am”, she said with a teasing purse to her lips, “It is not a knight… Oh, and… Oops! Seems we are closed for today! I’ll just make the last arrangements…”

The black man was just firming his hand into another grip when he got a strange look to his face, even for one wearing a mask. The Guards were looking warily at Lanfir, but surprising shock soon replaced the smile on her face, before she fainted…

“She was very well a Jedi Knight and strong in the force is she…I feel… different…”

“Oh, you’re just one of a crowd, I’m sure of it.” Arik replied. “But now that we have that clear…”

“No! You promised to show me Luke and Luke you will find for me!” He drew his breath. “Now I will teach him the way he was born to learn……… What are you gasping for?”

“Hm..? Oh! Nothing… I just found it strange without the laughter… But I enjoy a good change!”

********************

Luke sat sprawled in his straw-weaved chair, mind he only had a normal study. Taking off his reading glasses to muse over what he had just been reading, he stolidly sipped a glass of water. If that duck needed money, why didn’t he just ask his uncle? Intrigues… Weren’t they something for themselves…

“Luke…”

He embraced the True Source, ready to hurl a shower of fire at whoever had spoken his name. No one… there was only him… Alone…

“Luke…!”

This time, a faint, white-bearded man stood in front of him, his arms folded into the wide sleeves of his brownish cloak. His eyes shone with confidence, as did his voice.

“Luke… The Force, Luke! Use… the Force!”

“Uh… the Force?”

“Oh…” His voice stumbled. “Aren’t you Luke Skywalker then?”

“Are you from the World of Dreams or something?” Luke asked with awe and expectation.

“Sorry, sorry…” His accent was unfamiliar, perhaps a man from the lands beyond the Waste… “I made a wrong turn somewhere and now the boy is on his own… STUPID, STUPID me! I should never have died trying to save a scanting budget anyway! Now look what I’ve done! I’ll just be out of here right away…”

The door slammed open, and Arik was the first to stumble in, horror filling his eyes, feathers filling his mouth. Right in front of him, beneath his face, one of Luke’s pocket books lay. It held a picture of a talking duck. Arik wanted to scream.

A man, or whatever, wearing a shining pitch-black armor, used him for a welcoming mat and looked around as he made his entrance. His guards followed behind. When he noticed the old man, he raised his voice.

“You! You were always the greater fool, Obi-Wan… You cannot save the boy from his destiny! Now I shall destroy you… Well…”

The old man spat. “Vader! I should have known you were behind all of this. But I will not let the boy succumb to temptation like you did! It is you who will pay for your deeds…”

“And who will stop me, Obi-Wan? Not you, the dead goat! No…” He turned to Luke and reached out a black-gloved hand, defiance filling his mask. “Come, Luke. Your true destiny awaits you! I… am… your…”

“Hold it! Hold it, hold it, hold it…” Luke rose from the chair, and put himself as a living shield between the two bickering men… at least one of them was a man. The other was a… hybrid? Anyway, he regretted it a bit. “First of all, as you pointed out, I am NOT Luke Skywalker, the one you are looking for. Right?

“Right.” Obi-Wan said. “Wrong”, the black armored man said. They looked at each other. Obi-Wan opened his mouth to speak.

“STOP!” Arik shouted from his place underneath the black armored feet. Oh, yes, just get me out of this mess!

“There has been… a terrible misunderstanding… I see it all so clearly now.”

“You do?” Obi-Wan asked in a quizzical tone.

“No, not really that clearly… But… Ehm… Master… I don’t think Luke here is the Luke you are looking for.”

“He is not?” The two mysterious men said in unison. After a while the old man added: “Yes, that’s right… That was what I was about to say!”

“Well, thank the Creator we got that cleared up,” Luke let out a bad breath. “For a moment, I didn’t know what to think! I dare bet I don’t even look anything like this Luke, do I?”

“No.” The armored man mumbled before turning to his opponent. “It seems we were both wrong this time, Obi-Wan. And I don’t know how you got here… Well, I don’t know how I got here either…. I mean to return as quickly as possible. And this time, I will reach the boy before you!”

“We’ll see about that” Obi-Wan bawled before disappearing without trace.

“BURN HIM, he always gets away with that trick of his!” He turned his attention towards Arik. “And you! You will suffer for your… silliness!”

“Hey!” Arik protested. “I am not guilty of anything! How could I know he wasn’t the one you were searching for??”

Vader, as his name seemed to be, stepped down to the floor and lifted Arik up by his heron-marked collar. “Now, foolish boy, I will make you wish you were never born… What the… What is that…? I can feel it in the distance…”

“That would be the taint.” Arik told him. “It messes up the male half of the True Source, saidin and it’s really sticky… oh, yes, and I am tainted with it.”

Vader hastily released his grip, and just stood there.

“What is going on now, then?” Luke asked curiously. “The only way a man who cannot channel can feel the taint is if he were… Oh… Do you mean… Oh… To who?”

“Lanfir… Did that come as a surprise to you?”

Luke was grinning widely. “Not at all. And he sounds pretty evil too. Perhaps it’ll be for the good of them both!”

******************

“More mint tea, please! I feel queasy… Not just because of the weather…”

Lanfir watched as Vader poured her a hot cup of tea, waving her big, green-plumed fan. “And bring me my slippers, I want to go for a walk in the gardens…”

“Yes, mistress Lanfir.” Vader nodded, and backed away slowly while bowing.

“Uh… Go, you make me nauseous…” She waved him further away, and tried to ignore the disturbing creaking when he walked. Still his guards followed him; they had been bonded too…

“And you know what is really strange about all of this?”

Arik told Luke, enjoying the slight breeze of summer just come, sensing the sweet fragrant of nearby gardenias while relaxing in a puffy chair.

“No, tell me.” Luke answered, fiddling with his sunglasses.

“That this time, for once, I got away… Nothing happened to me! Blight, I even got myself a vacation for once! Can you believe that?”

“No… not really. Hey, how does these things work?”

“Same as glasses…” Arik made sure the parasol stood steadily. He shunned the sun, really he did. Luckily he had brought some lotion. Consuela was sitting next to him, but he decided not to bother her with such simple things. After all, her test was coming up soon and she needed all the information she could get. Though only on book four, he was sure she would make it. Or hoped… truly it would be a loss if not.

“Since your… maid… seems to be busy, how would you like it if I helped you with that lotion?”

Arik grinned. “Sure, that would be…” There was something familiar with that voice… “Lanfir! I knew I shouldn’t have let you out of sight! Lord, no! NO, PLEASE!”

Her hands locked threateningly around his throat, and a huge shadow covered him completely.

“I’ve got you now, silly boy! MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!”

******************

Thus ends the saga of Arik Korpin!

No, it would be wrong to call it that… Three short stories then, or a trilogy rather…

But is it really the end of inhumanity reincarnated, or does other dangers lurch?

How will Arik escape the claws of Lanfir Sedai? And many other questions lay unanswered… Look out for the answer to that one at least; it may be more than you can handle!!!!

THE END!!!!

Arik Korpin
Soldier of the Black Tower
Bonded to Siuan Sedai of the Yellow Ajah (no, that was only a story)
DragonMinter
(and some other non-crucial things)

OOC: It must be pointed out that not everything in this story is mainly MY idea… some of it originally comes from Mom/Lone Wolf’s humor story, and some comes from Narell’s.
The same goes for my first one too, not ALL was mainly my ideas… (They forced me to say that… J/K)
I advice you to read those before you read this one, to get all the jokes, and REALLY advise you to read my first story. (COMMERCIAL! COMMERCIAL!)

Lastly, infinite + 2: Alanna, REALLY FUNNY story *lol* I am afraid it will put this a bit in the shadow, but still…
There is one difference here, there is a pudding deliverance… just accept it, okay? Good… *s*

ON TO THE STORY, THEN!

*************

The Wheel of Time turns, etc.

Once again, the story was to start out at the Black Tower, or, to be more specific, Arik Korpin’s luxury study. The night was cold, and Arik was huddled together. Unlike some others of his fellow Soldiers, he had not yet had proper isolation installed. He spat at the floor and the walls. And this was supposed to be a luxury study!?
There was one relieving thought in it all, though… tonight, in about five minutes, he was going to visit the White Tower again.

Lately, he had been having various nightmares about giant cartons of chocolate pudding, omelettes, and slumber parties. It was a wonder in itself that he had been able to sleep at all! The roosters and hens and chickens seemed to have found a nice place to nest.
Just such a bloody shame it had to be outside HIS door!
He started to laugh, and pounded his fist hard into his mahogany desk repeatedly while chewing on the fingers of his other hand…

Sitting up straight again, he remembered the meeting with the M’hael, were he was supposed to ask for another grant to visit the White Tower. It had started out all right, but in the midst of their conversation, the M’hael had started to pull feathers slowly out of his mouth. Arik had done nothing less than to just run, and lock the door behind him when he was safe and sound in his study again. He hoped the M’hael would forgive him for that.

Yes, he would have to leave without permission tonight… And that meant no gateway, as the others would surely notice a ripple… And no door, as the chickens and hens and roosters roosted outside it. That left only the window… He jumped over to it, and looked outside. It was a long way down, but he had a plan…
Bending down to open a drawer under his bed, he dragged his heavy pillows over to the window, and began to throw them out one by one.

His brothers had wondered what he had been doing all day. They were ignorant…
Did they think it was safe to jump out of a window onto a pile of pillow accessories without measuring the fluffiness and the volume correctly? The fools! He clenched his fists, and felt an excruciating pain in one of them.
Besides, math was not his strong side…

When he was done, he carefully climbed up onto the stone window, and looked down as the wind ruffled his hair… There was only one thing in his mind at the moment:
He could not believe they had not made him a luxury balcony! With the fat bribes they had received, they better damn well do their jobs! He would have to check into the facts and figures of that when he returned… No one messed with Arik Korpin’s luxury study without paying the prize. And so he jumped…

The landing was a success, not that he had counted on it to be anything less than that… He rubbed the feathers from the now ruined pillows off his new, and neatly buttoned Asha’man coat. He had totally forgotten about the content of the pillows, and he could feel something silly coming on… He croaked, and flipped out in a weird, guttural laughter…

**********************

The moon was high, and the tides were rising. Oh, that sounded so cliché… He didn’t even know if it was right… Probably wasn’t…
Arik reined in his horse, Gollyoh, just outside the White Tower, and slapped him on the back, watching him run back towards the Black Tower in a gallop.

There had been several occasions when he had tried to change that STUPID name of his horse, but without any luck… Its former owner had trained it well, and it did only obey the name it had received from him. It had been a joke among the Ashaman for months now, and he was sick and tired of finding silly notes stuck on his horse every damn time he went to groom it. They did not even make sense!

But that was not too important now, he thought… He had another plan… An eeeeevil plan… A revenge plan. The Amyrlin would pay… not only for the Spoon, but also for those hideous slurping sounds she made when she ate her pudding… Truly hideous, they were, those sounds…

The flute would play a different tune tonight… He barked into a raw laugh, and walked up to the gates. At last, it was his turn…

Well inside, he pressed himself towards the Hall Wall, listening…
He had forgot about the Slumber party, but it seemed like it had ended. The Main Hall was in almost complete order, except for a few smores here and there… so that was what it was… he sighed of relief, and sat himself down on the floor, picking up those yummy smores, eating and waiting…

Suddenly, as there was a loud knock at the gate, he raised himself quickly, and opened it. Outside stood a fat man, poorly dressed, with bad teeth, and all that fun stuff…

“Delivery for the Amyrlin, Watcher of the…”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever!” Arik snatched a thin piece of paper from the man. “Where do I sign?”, he asked with a cruel smile.

“Right there, good sir.” the foul-smelling man pointed.

“Good, good… let us see…vermicelli?!? What is that? Is this supposed to be a joke!?”

The man started to tremble, and could not manage to speak.
Arik patted him absently on the head.

“There there, I am sure it will be in order. Leave it outside as well. Now, bring in the pudding!”

He rubbed his hands together as the fat, bald, foul-smelling and poorly dressed man with the bad teeth pushed in a BIG crate. There was no mistaking… the Amyrlin always got her pudding deliverances on Fridays. And Arik would know; he had done some inside investigations…
Before he knew a word of it, his hands were on fire. Sticking them in his mouth to light it out, he hoped no one had noticed…

“That will be 200 Tar Valon silver-like coins, Sir.”

Arik turned rapidly towards the man. “WHAT?! That itself is a felony! How can a crate of chocolate pudding cost… uh…oh… the vermicelli, huh?”

The man nodded sadly. “It is very rare, I’m afraid…”

“Issee… Well, the money will be in the DMmail! Now, go, before I get upset and channel huge amounts of something gooey upon you!”

The man ran, dragging his pudding sleigh surprisingly fast behind him. Arik shook his head at the scenario…

Now, for the pudding! Once again, he started to laugh terribly, but got himself together fairly in time. He didn’t want to wake anyone up…

He opened the crate gently with a heron marked crowbar, and behold! It was the pudding… it was lying there, in a big yellow carton, like a huge, motionless glob, the half of it visible over the edge. Arik thought it looked sort of gloomy…
Beside it lay the plastic cups. Aha, so she had servants to fill them up for her… they would have to be released after this story was over…

He had a big job in front of him. Although there were no point in fixing more than one cup, it would look suspicious if they all were not filled up…

The Wheel started to turn…. as it always did….

******************

When he was done, he settled to take a breath.
Loading heaps of chocolate pudding into tiny cups had been harder work than he had thought! Let them fight their wars on the battlefields! But load pudding? Hah! They dont have the guts to do it!

Into one of the cups, he had placed a little… surprise, so to call it… he was sure the Amyrlin would be both surprised and unpleased, at least after the… “ostentation”… but she would never find out who had done it. To celebrate the whole, he took one cup of pudding, and curiously started to eat the stuff, before he spat it out. Blight! It tasted like… dirt! And worse! How could she eat such things? She had a twisted mind, that being, he knew that for sure now. But the servant Aes Sedais would be here to pick it up soon… he hid behind a curtain…. he wouldnt miss this pre-assuring moment for anything.

Meanwhile, in the Amyrlin’s study….

“Mother, there is a guest for you.”, Chissa popped her head inside the door and sighed. “He says, as always, that it is most important…”

The Amyrlin threw away an empty cup of pudding, and frowned.

“Who can that be, this late? I am getting curious now… ok, send him in… oh, and Chissa? Do remember to bring me my chocolate pudding deliverance, will you? Thank you, dear…” She smiled warmly and chocolately…

“Mother! Bond me! Now! Please!!!”

Kathana let out a scream of fury. “AAARGH!!!! You AGAIN?!” She calmed down a bit, before telling him the news. “Well, it doesn’t matter now anyways… I have already bonded someone…” She smiled pleased at him. That ought to get him away for good…

“Mother! I can’t believe my own ears! Are you sure!?”

“Of course I am… uhm…. actually…. well… YES, I am sure. Now, go away… I have matters to take care of. ” She drooled…

“But Mother!” Mother, no!” Roland threw himself to the floor, dragged himself over to her chair, and started to kiss her feet fanatically.

“You flatter me, Roland, but honestly………….. Oh, OK, then! I will… I will let you stay for TEN minutes…”

“Yes? Yes? And?”

She looked away and mumbled. “…and I’ll let you taste some chocolate pudding too… but just ONE cup!”

“Mother!” He gave her a big hug. “Thank you, I will never forget this!”

“Neither will I, I’m afraid…”

And so, they waited for Chissa to bring in the pudding…

***************

Arik slashed the curtain away with his knife, and stepped into the light… It had worked! The Aes Sedai had been there, picking it up. He had heard the footsteps… and besides, the pudding carton was gone.
Too bad he had no secret access to her room, so he could view the “show”…

Suddenly, without warning, a big, huge, and very bright thingy appeared in front of him, almost like a gateway, and out stepped a man with flaming eyes. He looked around, then spotted Arik, and started to chuckle…. Arik felt threatened, or something…

“Welcome to the Dark side, Arik Korpin… MWA HA HA HA HA!”

“Excuse me, but… the Dark side? Don’t you mean the Shadow? Besides, I am still in the Light, I am just craving for some fun, that’s all. Who are you, by the way?”

“I… am Ishamael!!!”

“…Oh, a Forsaken? Cool, can I shake your hand!?”

“A CHOSEN!” His eyes roared with flames. “And no… You cannot…”

“That’s too bad… Ah, well, I must head back to the Black Tower… Give me a lift?”

“SILENCE, MORTAL FOOL!” He licked his lips with a mad look. “Now… I am sure we can talk this over quietly…”

“Yeah, probably. But can we take it tomorrow, cause you know, I really need to get back to…”

“Drat! A Red! Sorry, I have to go… They are so facetious and moonstruck, I’d had better get back to Shayol Ghul at once!”

With that, he vanished in a cloud of smoke. Of course, Arik knew that the smoke was fake… It was an old gleeman’s trick, but it had been greatly misused by the Asha’man for Ages.

Then he saw the Red Sister too, and froze. She was coming right at him, holding a giant jar, and she looked quite upset. He hoped that jar was not for him. He had heard various tales… She was also wearing some indescribable wooly stuff…

“Oh my! A male! Uhm, I mean… Oh… A disgusting man in the Halls… what are you doing here?” She winked at him weirdly, while at the same time holding a straight and strict mask.
She wasn’t very good at it, though…
He made sure that all the buttons in his coat were done, and he wrapped himself in his cloak, neatly, as always, in his stories.

“Actually, I was just leaving… Err… So… Bye bye now!”

“Just one minute!” She pulled out a bag of scrambled and really tiny ripped toilet-paper pieces, and the label said Coupons. “Would you like to support the case of the Retreat in Arad Doman?? We promise to do a really good job at it!” Her smile was quite convincing…

“I’ll take two! How much will that be, then?”

“Let me see… five… three… that would be 2…4 coins!”

“And I’ll take two more if you promise to forget about me being at the Tower in this late hour…”

“Okay…” she started to clink together more beads on her silver abacus. “That would be nine coins!”

” Urrh… Alrighty then… There you go!” She oddly enough put only four coins in the jar, and five in her wooly pocket. It took some time for them to reach the bottom.

“Now, see too it that I win!”

She handed him four “coupons”.
“That was really… uhm… good done of you… and I didn’t even tell you about our fabulous prizes!”

“Tell me another time. Now, I have to go!”

“But you would really like t… oh, ok…” He was gone before she got the opportunity to throw herself over him. “Now, where is that vermicelli… it should have been here now…”

Outside, it was even darker night than before. He could barely see anything, but there was something that caught the corner of his eye, and he looked up, praying it was not another chicken…

A woman sat alone in a window three floors above him, and smiled at him. She was wearing a filmy, white dress, and she gestured for him to come up and visit her for a while…
He had to look again to see if he had been right… it was Siuan! He had once again forgotten all about her! He grinned at her, and made a sign meaning he would be up in a few minutes.

He just hoped no one would notice him gone from the Black Tower, and no others would notice him in the White… it would be no problem to connect him with the pudding scandal afterwards…

He ran back inside, past the Red Sister who looked mildly shocked, and towards the Hall Stairs. He would have to have about twenty minutes on him. More than that and the Asha’man would start looking for him. At least, to be on the safe side. He had planned his time carefully, and the minor things that had happened had not been in his calculations.

He ran up about three floors, and started to wonder where he was… it looked exactly the same all over!

“I guess this is it then…” He decided on one hall, and started to look for Siuan’s room. It was supposed to be around there somewhere… Suddenly, without notice, a hand grabbed his arm, and pulled him forcefully into a room, closing the door behind.

Before he knew it, he was flung upon some of that squishy furniture he did not know what was…
“I am glad you could stop by…” A voice said from behind him. He heard quite well that it did not belong to Siuan… Yikes, he thought…

Turning around; it was difficult, he almost drowned in squishiness, he could see her more clearly. It was that drunken Aes Sedai, Lanfir… he immediately started to think of an escape plan…

“Where am I… what do you want…?”

She made a silly gesture with her arm, and spilled some of her cups content. It sizzled on the floor… “This, is the White Tower Harem!” She handed him a cup, but he refused.

“If this is a Harem,” he staggered “then… then where are all the women…?”

“No… not THAT kind of Harem… Well, almost, then, only this contains men, not women… Ciara was right, after all… You ARE silly…”

He swallowed. “Then where are… all the men…?”

“It has been empty for years!” She walked around, wearing a filmy dress, pouring herself drink after drink from the big bottle she held in her other hand. Some times, she forgot she already had a full cup, and spilled more on the floor.

“W… what happened, then…?” Arik asked, nervous to find out.

“We bonded them! And as everyone knows, it is inappropriate for a warder to be hanging around in a harem all day! No… so now, we are looking for new ones to fill it up… only a few visit nowadays…” She threw the cup at the wall, where it broke, and the content fizzed disputably, then she gave him a hungry look…

It took only seconds before Arik was out of the room. She had, thank the Creator, forgot to lock the door. As he ran for his life down the hall, he could hear her shouting behind him, and cursing. He was sure the whole Tower would wake up soon.

Running down the exact same amount of stairs he had been running up, he found himself in the Main Hall again… At least, it looked like it… Only, there were stairs running down here, and there hadn’t been any of those in the Main Hall. Stumbling down the rest of them, there were more stairs! He stopped and scratched his head. The Tower could really need redecorating… He had that ugly feeling that this was turning out to be another silly story…

This time, he set his mind on trying to stay on that floor, and began to hustle down the halls. He halted right outside a door to his left, as he heard a voice… Oh no… Busted!

“Good day, we’re from the FBI. I am agent Fox Mulder, and this is agent Dana Scully… We would like to ask you some questions…”

And then, another voice; it seemed to be, but Arik could tell it was the same one, just in a different tone…

“Yeah, sure you want to! You always bring Scully, don’t you?! Well, no more! As from tonight, you’re with special agent Tari Scully… AARGH! It just doesn’t sound right without the Scully!! Take that! And that!”

He winced at the sound of a breaking mirror, and various pots and pans crashing against the walls of the room. Yeah… it was definitely time to move on….

“Mulder! Stop her, she is hurting me! Oh yeah? Well, Fox won’t help you! He likes ME better than you! Isn’t that right, Fox?! Yeah, I guess it is… YA HEAR?! HA!”

He had to find a window! Again, that seemed to be his only escape… he was too worked up about all the happenings for being able to channel…

“Arik! Over here!” A few paces in front of him stood Ciara, peeking out of a door, waving him over. “I have something important to tell you! But you have to hurry!”

He decided on that nothing could be worse than being caught. And on the other hand, his sister would help him whenever he was in trouble. He strode over to the door, and peeked inside where she had disappeared before he had reached her.

As he entered, someone threw a big sack over his head, and pushed him to a seat in something that felt like a very cold and hard chair. If this was Lanfir again… He was sure he had taken the right room… He could feel something lock itself over his wrists. When the sack was removed, Ciara stood in front of him, giggling.

“WE are gonna give YOU a make-over!” she gurgled… “Silly brother!”

“Ciara!? Release me this instant!” He was placed in a high-backed metal chair, secured tightly with the help of some solid steel gizmos! “I dont find this the least funny!!”

“THAT is because you are so silly!” She laid one hand to her mouth, giggling even louder.

“I am NOT silly! Release me! I mean it!” He twisted to get loose, but there was just no way.

“Nope! Not until we are done with you!”

“Who are you talking about!? There is only you here!”

Another woman stepped out, carrying a huge basket of various makeover-supplies. Looking at Arik with an artistic look, she grinned, and took out a pair of scissors. She slowly advanced on him.

“Oooh! This is so exciting, Arik! What are you gonna do, Alanna?”

Alanna talked, but never took her eyes of Arik’s hair. “For your brother, Ciara, I have something special in mind… Something involving…. plaits…. and pink ribbons…”

“No!!! Anything but plaits and pink ribbons… Anything! Filmy dresses, ANYTHING!”

“Oh my… A good idea… Note this, Ciara: filmy dresses.”

As she raised the scissors, the moon gleamed on them, reflecting a shadow onto the wall. The time stood still. Ciara giggled, Alanna laughed, and Arik screamed in agony. Then, she started to cut his hair…

*****************

Sitting alone in his luxury study in the Black Tower, lights turned off, Arik scribbled down a note. He had scribbled down other notes too… There were thousands hanging around in his room, saying don’t write another story.

When he was done with that one, the woman standing beside him took it from his hands, and hanged it on one of the few available spaces in the room. He took a sip of his cognac, and started to write yet another one…

“Sir Arik, Señor, if I may say, there is nothing to be ashamed of. Your hair… It kinda suits you very well, Sir…”

He looked up at her without a word, and handed her another note. She shrugged excusably, and hung the note on to herself. “Is this good, Sir?”

“Very so, Consuela… now, bring me another bottle of cognac, and take the day off, will you?

“Si, Señor… same time tomorrow?”

Arik picked up the pen, and shook his head carefully. A ribbon loosened, and he let his head fall to the desk… the woman winced, and reached out her hands to help him up.

“No… take the next week off… I need some rest…”

“Oh, and Señor, I forgot to give you this! It came in your mail yesterday!”

She handed him a letter, and he opened it ruthlessly.

Congratulations! We are happy to inform you that you have officially won the third price of the Red Ajah’s Arad Doman Retirement Raffle, and we hope you enjoy it! We had a very hard time picking the prizes…

“Signed, Francesca Sedai of the Red Ajah.” Arik took off his reading glasses, which were now broken. “Well, well…At least there is a point of light in all of this…” He started to laugh again, and Consuela slapped him, as he had ordered her to do if he fell victim to silly behavior again. “Señor! Señor, I am afraid. I will leave now. When I first have a week off, I was planning on taking an early summer trip… Have a good day, and be careful!”

“Consuela, one moment only… did there follow a prize with this?” He waved the paper in front of her, and she got a weird look to her face.

“Si, but… I really think we should give it to charity instead of…”

“No, no, Consuela…” He smiled. “You have gotten me quite curious now… bring it in, will you?”

She limped for the door. “Yes, Señor…”

****************

In the White Tower, Francesca looked over her notes one more time to make sure all was in perfect order, and smiled. The prizes had been delivered. The first prize had gone to the Amyrlin… That would keep her in the Head Chair for another few years, and cheer the Mother up after that madman had gone amok in her Study, swinging himself from her chandelier…

The second prize had gone to the Green Ajah members, who had shared the prize amongst themselves. Not that they really needed anti-wrinkle cream, but they were really vain about their looks.

The third one had gone to an Ashaman in the Black Tower. Francesca could still not figure out how that could be possible. If there had been some of them visiting the White Tower lately, she should have been informed… Well, he had at least gotten the prize, and was probably happy with it too. She wished it had been her winning 50 pounds of poultry instead of some male Channeler… She was getting sick of pasta.

THE END!!!!!

OOC: No offense meant to Spanish/Portuguese/Mexican/Cuban(did I leave anyone out?) people by writing in my maid, Consuela. If offense is still taken, here is a formal apology:

And, I hope you liked it! I found it hard to write a sequel, actually. They are seldom as good as your first, and I hope this one was not a complete flaw! *g*
As you can hear, I am quite nervous…

Arik Korpin
Soldier of the Black Tower
Bonded to Siuan Sedai
of the Yellow Ajah (Whom I still miss very deeply and wish were here right now… Are you wearing a filmy dress? OUCH! Just asking… *pouts*)